I can't. I just can't!
Pearl was shaking. Zallus put his hand almost to her face, gently, but she leaned away, though turning to almost nuzzle her nose to his index finger.
I won't leave. I can't. I've found something I want, and that's to spend my life with you, and, um,- I won't have what I seek until I see you on my deathbed. Until then, I just can't give-
You don't understand. You don't understand! I CAN'T. As much as I want to, as much as I… God, I love you. I love you!
Zallus smiled into Pearl's eyes, but they were still desperate.
That's a bad thing! I… You… I've fucked up. I've fucked everything up! I never should have talked to you, never should have thought of things in terms of happiness or hope or life or or or-
Pearl broke down, sobbing quietly but with huge, panting gasps interjected, showing that she was holding her breath to keep herself quiet. Softly, Zallus reached his arms, on at a time, around her, and then pulled her into the jumbled folds of cloth covering his chest.
Please tell me why.
What?
Zallus cranes his neck inward to look at her through her limp, wet hair.
Why are you doing this?
Well, I-
Why are you destroying everything I love? Why do you take it all away, again and again and again?
Zallus realized Pearl was no longer addressing him.
I've tried, y'know? Being happy; being sad, miserable; being angry with you. I've been a queen and a beggar, I've saved lives and I've killed people. What do you want? I've tried being every perfect everything for you, but still you just TAKE IT ALL AWAY! I- …you, you must know. You're everywhere; everything, aren't you? That's what people usually say, don't they. You know exactly what you're doing to me, you know exactly how horrible you are, and you still do it. Some god.
Pearl stopped–stopped crying, stopped shaking, and just hung her head and laid against Zallus, together with him in the rain, for some time.
Finally,
What happened, to you? Who did it? I'll beat them up, you know,
Zallus smiled. You say God did it? I'll get him good. I don't know that I can't, and I know that I must, so it'll happen. Even if it's impossible.
"No… Zallus, I… I'll explain now. I… I've- I've never said this before. To anyone.
The universe hates me. Actively, strongly, provably.
When I was little, I was a rich brat. I had a career–I was actually providing for my, er, dad.
One day, I went to sleep in my bed, and woke up on the ground in a stranger's apartment, having fallen from about a foot in the air. It turned out it was actually still the same place, but about a year had passed–my dad had moved away and someone else had come in instead. And I was literally missing-and-then-not; when I reappeared, exactly where as far in the air as I would have been off the ground in my bed, there was a sonic boom–I pushed the air around me out of the way, all at once.
That was, as far as I've researched, about 2000 years ago.
Every once in a while since then–it's completely unpredictable, but I can feel it coming before it does sometimes–I've done the same thing; just popped out of existence at one time and in at another. And each time, it gets larger.
One year is fine, sorta. I could live with random one year gaps. But the last time was a thousand. A thousand YEARS. Do you understand that? I don't understand that. But I know what it means, to me.
It means I can't have friends. It means that I will never get to achieve, or create, or be a part of anything lasting. I don't get to fall in love. It all goes away, in the end. Before I'm done; before I'm ready; before I even start. You can't fight it. You can't bear it up. One day, I'll be gone.
One day, you'll be gone.
And I think it should be now, before I get stuck to you. Because I know I will. If it was anyone else, anything else, between us, I'd say screw it and just run away and be with you. Be happy with you, forever.
But I can't. My forever, is alone."
Zallus cocked his head, slowly, a few times, seemingly rolling the story around in it like a toy car. He let go of Pearl, and stood up.
Life isn't forever.
Pearl was confused; this was the only un-optimistic thing she had ever heard Zallus say.
Life,
he continued, turning to face her with a surprisingly wide smile on his face, "is a sequence of moments. Not a series of moments: a sequence. Each one is important, all on its own. They mean nothing together–they're just a blur of images. The only way you can judge a life is by taking it apart, and looking at each moment individually.
Some day, the next moment won't follow from this one. The sky will fall, the universe will end. You'll fall in love with someone else. It's how it goes.
But right now, all you have is this. You don't have tomorrow. You don't have yesterday. You can't affect them, and they can't touch you, either. You just have right now, here, with me, on this park bench, where it has stopped raining and there is now a clear blue sky, and a sun shining down on you and telling you to seize your life–not every moment, but just this one–and make it good. Not for the memory, not for the consequence, not for anyone else. Just be. Just live. Just kiss me."
She does.