A silly, gross, and R-rated ludonarrative about cartoon horses.

By Sean Keith McAuley, with prompts from a host of other folks.

Version 0.0.3.


You are now Scootaloo the pony. You have an aversion to playing choose-your-own-adventure games, but luckily this is not that kind of game. You do not get to choose.


run away

You cannot run; your left leg has been cuffed to the side of your bed.

knaw off leg [cheater]

You do not know how to knaw. Is that something a krow does?

You lean forward, but find out that equines cannot raise their legs in a manner compatible with putting them near their mouths. Also, you can't seem to pull yourself into a sitting position.

Look around

You are Scootaloo the pony. You are in a dark room, chained to a quilted bedspread by your lower left and upper right hooves. To your left, just out of reach, is a nightstand. There may be something on the floor out of view. There is a wet noise coming from through the wall.

Quickly retrieve arms from chest.

Your arms are not currently in your chest. Would you like to put them there? [Y/N]


You put your left arm back down onto the bedspread. On impact, you notice a lump under the quilt but above the bedsheets.

look at pumpkin

I smell no pumpkin here.

cook my brain with my heart

You somehow manage it. You are now Scootaloo the dead pony! Conglaturation. You have earned out of a possible Infinity points. (Undo?)

No Thanks, I am Proud Of My Position.


You manage to reverse entropy, and turn a cooked brain-and-heart souffle into separated, renewed pieces. You quickly reattach the requisite nerves and tendons before it's too late.

…did that really go there? Oops.


You reach your left arm down between your thighs and try slapping it loudly against your vulva. Sadly, only a small squishing noise is made. Your attempt to call for help has failed.

check inventory

You currently are in possession of a rainbow-maned plug (location vague), and ugly red stains covering your face. They have been traced into the shape of the letters "H" and "A."

Day dream about the wet noise

The noise. You hear it most nights. It's almost comforting now. It could lull you into…

[Time passes.]

You awake with a start, and try leaning forward, but the chain resists your arousal. You turn and collapse on your side.

You notice a small shiny thing on the floor below the bed.

examine the lump under the quilt but above the bedsheets

You slide your hoof around the edges of the crease on the quilt. The lump feels flat, rectangular, hard, perhaps metallic. You tap it with your hooftip and a hollow noise is produced, a bit like a plastic container.

Examine anal cavity for clues [lolwut]

You reach behind yourself, feeling between your legs. You find a soft, plush length of horsehair.

…that's just your tail.

You reach further down, and find a coarser, slightly-moist length of hair. You try pulling it out, but you can't seem to get a grip on it with your lack of opposable thumbs.

By the way, in a Doug Adams story, the correct solution would be:

drop lack of opposable thumbs

do the above

You don't know what thumbs are, but you are certain that if they were opposed, you wouldn't want to stand between them. Perhaps they are best left to their mutual enmity?

try to remember what happened last night

You know what happened last night. Sadly, the player does not.

tell the player what happened last night

You go on a long speel about the events of the previous night, making lots of arm-waving motions, air-humps, and slightly-overacted moans. Sadly, none of the actual words are comprehensible. They will be rendered in the transcript as horse sounds.

be slightly embarassed

You are now slightly embarrassed.

You have gained +1 point(s) on your patheticness meter.

Examine the nightstand

The nightstand is a dark, polished wooden rectangle from this angle. On it, you can see your obsolete piece-of-junk computer (the one whose logo appears similar to Big Macintosh's rear), its screen reflecting a shard of light escaping from the ajar door on the far side of the room.

Attempt to hoof the small shiny thing over from under the bed.

You reach down with your upper-left hoof, but cannot get close enough to the small shiny thing to even touch it.

You reach down with your lower-left hoof, and manage to roll the small shiny thing toward you. It is now the small shiny cylinder.

smell air with your enhanced equine senses.

The air smells of sex, and a definite lack of pumpkins. Because it is, in fact, the morning after Nightmare Night, you find the latter development rather startling.

get the narrator to tell the player what happened last night

The narrator refuses to help Lu with any actions that are not in the narrator's best interests.

flip-off narrator

You, the player, are now in the Land of Stumps and Shame. Sadly, you can no longer issue commands, as you are no longer sitting in front of a computer terminal. Undo? [impossible]

Manage the impossible

Okay, fine. But only if you say you're sorry.


You, the player, are now playing the game of Sorry™, by Milton-Bradley. After several rounds, you manage to wake up the parents, causing you to be very sorry.

Examine chains

The chains are iron shackles of the kind miss Pinkamina prefers. However, they're unusually clean compared to their appearance after one of her usual sessions. This may be because miss Pinkamina was not their user. It also might be because somepony meticulously scrubbed them clean while you were sleeping. You never know.

Use your computer to stream live video of your compromising position to the Ponynet

You cannot reach your obsolete piece-of-junk, and even if you could, it is currently off.

Convince the narrator that showing the player what happened is in his best interests.

Lu, despite being unable to speak to the player in any comprehensible manner, informs them that the narrator should be convinced of things through showing, not telling.

the narrator does not want to type any sort of long, affected infodump at this point, so any attempts to convince him would be pointless. On the other hand, small pieces of information may be requested through the help service. They will cost one bit of negentropy each.

help: What the heck is a bit of negentropy? And how many do I have?

HELP – topic: negentropy

Negentropy is the force in the universe resisting entropy—the thermodynamic decay of particles into pure, non-kinetic heat. Negentropy is also known as information, and can be measured in bits. Negentropy is the source of new universes. It is also a deliberate allusion to the fact that Homestuck basically uses this concept but calls it Grist.

Stop being an idioiot and learn to cpell XD

You (Lu) learns the verb cpell. Try it. Go on.

cpell the chains

You try to cpell the chains, but you realize that cpell is, in fact, an intransitive verb, chucklefuck.

fcuk speling

You fcuk speling right in the butt. There are no consequences, but you feel slightly more relaxed.

You have lost 1 patheticness point.

request assistance

You try clopping again. It still doesn't do anything useful.



realize this is A bad idea, given your compromising situation

You realize that vocalizing might make Miss Pinkamina come into the room and see what a horribly embarrassing entanglement you have entered into without her knowledge. You silence yourself resignedly.

+2 to patheticness.

wonder how you got up to this without miss pinkamena noticing

Miss Pinkamina is very, very distracted making the wet noise that is coming through the wall.

She won't stop for anything… and if she did, she would be very angry and sexually frustrated, a combination that, despite definite viewer appeal, you would prefer to avoid.

Wonder who Pionkamena is

Pionkamena is a stuffed toy miss Pinkamina used to have. It had many adventures involving time paradoxes, and eventually was renamed smartypants.

Move zig

You roll the small shiny cylinder again with your lower-right hoof, until you find that it is labelled with the words Zig-Zag Co. It appears to be a cylindrical fire-starting apparatus.

cpell on the floor.

You aim your cpell at the floor. This is fine, since "on the floor" is not, in fact, a direct object, but rather a locative subclause, and can sometimes be ignored when inapplicable.

CPELL: Your cpell gauge currently reads "0.5 baud".

Wonder what the hay a cpell gague is.

You have no idea either. It is apparently a piece of information recited to the player by an informative help text, but which must be activated by Lu.


You whip your hair back and forth. It causes your neck to become slightly sore.

help: cpell gauge

HELP – topic: cpell gauge

The Cpell Gague is similar to a Spell Gauge, but with some artieacts introduced. Thus, it requires both a form of mp (bits of negentropy) and artifacts (material spell components.)

realize that cpell is not A word, but an acronym for Chicagoland Partners for English Language Learners

Lu realizes this. Sadly, she is alone in this oddly prescient knowledge.

wonder what the heck the Chicagoland Partners for English Language Learners is

The Chicagoland Partners for English Language Learners is an organization established in 1322 in the Equestrian subdistrict of Chicagoland, aimed at teaching the archaic language of English, introduced by Princess Celestia as the new royal tongue. It is also the bonus boss of this game… according to Lu.

Use the small shiny cylinder to set fire to the quilt

You still cannot pick up the small shiny cylinder. You really are beginning to understand what miss Lyra Heartstrings sees in opposable thumbs.

wonder what your goal is

You wonder this. You wonder it a long time. You do not have the answer. Few ponies do, really.

xyzzy, and if that doesn't work, plover

An orange cloud suddenly appears in the room! It disappates, leaving behind the smell of pumpkins.

Pull the quilt off of the bed

Twisting and moving your weight from one point to another, you manage to pull the quilt out from underneath you and push it into the corner of the bed. You cannot pull it fully off, because the chains are blocking the way.

You have revealed the glossy non-obsolete computing device.

aquire the glossy non-obsolete computing device.

You (somehow) manage to pick up the glossy non-obsolete computing device with your upper-left hoof. You rest it on your supple stomach-fuzz and stare at it for a few moments. Nothing happens. The screen is off.

Look for floss. Recognize importance of dental hygine

Who needs floss when you can brush your teeth with two big ol futa dicks

Scootaloo ≠ Colgate

You would love to floss, if you could reach the bathroom. You still feel a few stray hairs caught between your teeth.

Autoerotically combust.

Your frustgruntlement gauge is not at a high enough level to perform any acts of man-chested magnificence.

look for key to unlock the chains

You look. Hay, what do you know! The key was in your mouth the whole time!

…no, not really. You are starting to wonder if you might have swallowed it last night. She did put it in your mouth…

thinks about the pony that put the key in your mouth, being sure to use the pony's name in your thoughts

You think about her. You think long and hard, including her sexy name, which is heard quite clearly in the depths of your mental landscape, but which obviously cannot escape your musty brainpan.

Your frustgruntlement gague goes up by two inches!

Ponder about the life lessons taught by quantum mechanics

You ponder. Then you look down, and wonder if you have been here before.

Ponder about the life lessons taught by quantum mechanics again

You ponder again. Then you look up.


You presume. Seguellogysm chain: [Presume | …]


You pontificate. Seguellogysm chain: [Pontificate | [Presume | …]]


You defenestrate. Seguellogysm chain. [Defenestrate | [Pontificate | [Presume | …]]]

Activate seguellogysm chain on chain

You activate the seg–something or other. Honestly the mechanics of this game are ludicrous, and you feel bad for the people playing it. Nonetheless, you manage to somehow presume that the chain might come unchained at some point in the future, pontificate the end of the chain to make it sharp enough to cut something with, and defenestrate it through the bedside window, which, although previously un-noted, was slightly open enough to allow it through. The sharpened chain plants itself firmly in your window garden.

Of course, this all happened only in your mind, due to the presumption at the beginning of the syllogysm, but nonetheless it somehow also occurs in reality, due to a convenient segue.

There. That is how you use the seguellogysm. No tutorial this time or anything. (Phew)

check cpell component pouch

You do not have a cpell component pouch. You have a mysterious feeling that cpells just use whatever is around to do their thing. Whatever that thing is.

help: patheticness: uses.

HELP – topic: patheticness

See: the player

Get some ice for that sick burn

You realize that your leg is now free from the bed. However, you also realize that your leg is now instead shackled to the window garden. This may be different, but it is not necessarily better.

▲ ▲ Tryforce

practice several pick up lines to use on miss pinkamina

You think that miss Pinkamina would quite likely have sex with you if you so much as said the word nearby her. But you aren't that kind of gal, and she knows it. You'd rather be lifted off your hooves rather slowly.

rub supple stomach-fuzz erotically

You pet yourself. Heavily. It is heavy petting. Haw haw.

frustgruntlement +1inch (now at 3")

(╯ಠ_ಠ)╯ ┻━┻

You reach over, and push the window garden gently off its metal ledge insets. It topples mercelessly (yet somehow silently) to the ground below. You feel a sudden tug as the sharpened chain gets pulled downward along with it, and almost rise off the bed as you are drawn apart as if by some sort of medieval equines. (wot?) However, the window garden snaps off the end of the chain when harsh mistress gravity beckons it forth, and the chain releases its tug against you. Your leg is now free.

Pull aggro on window garden weeds

You should have thought of that sooner. They're down there, mixed with all the other weeds on the left side of the house.


Seguellogysm gague (lisp variant): (dryrot)


SG: (Dryrot Crumble)

Collapse seguellogysm on window garden

You fire the Seguellogysm, but it fizzles when it reaches the window. Seguellogysms only work within your empathic belief field!

investigate. contribute. rejoice. and satisfy.

SG: (Investigate Contribute Rejoice Satisfy)

Collapse seguellogysm on wet noise

You fire the Seguellogysm at the wet noise which is currently reaching your ears from within the room, after having travelled through the wall. You realize as you do this that this is A total cop-out on the part of the narrator, but you proceed nevertheless. The wet noise is investigated, causing it to be discovered to be a pink noise. ( ) You then contribute to it by rubbing the two chains together, simulating a 1/f noise. You rejoice as your ears burn from the atrocious racket this creates. However, you still feel satisfied.

The only real effect of this is that your frustgruntlement gauge has dropped back down to zero. That's what you get for satisfying yourself!

player: Use the Ponynet to look up a walkthrough or strategy guide for the game

the player doesn't want to go to the Land of Stumps and Shame again, does he? (Y/N)

no, please, not there

Good. That's what I thought.


SG: (Reduce)


SG: (Reduce Reuse)


SG: (Reduce Reuse Recycle)

Collapse seguellogysm on non-combustables.

The non-combustable obsolete piece-of-junk is reduced to a non-combustable obsolete pile-of-rubble by a good whack with the iron chain attached firmly to your leg. (You're quite good at whipping that thing around, as it turns out.) You reuse the pile-of-rubble to form a new, smaller, obsolete piece-of-junk. You then recycle it by throwing it out the window, where you know there sits a large blue bin.

Poor thing never stood a chance.

The narrator wishes to point out that you are using seguellogysms to do things that are entirely possible without them. Though you can keep going, if you want. I personally tend to jump and spin-dash far more than is useful in action-adventure games, myself.

express you thoughts about your current game like state through the narrator

Lu thinks that she has never before had such an incompetent buffoon steering the events of her life forward before this moment. And that includes her parents.

add sharpened chain to inventory

The narrator asks a question: do you want to have all sorts of inventory management bullshit? (Y/N)

player: octavia suggests stupid, nonsenical inventory management that does not require any sort of consistency in either management or contents

The narrator abides by Player: Octavia's suggestion, because Ace2401 and LordTristan's votes cancel out. Thus:

Player: Ace2401 inquires: But what about the wording of the below? Wouldn't that cancel Octavia's suggestion?

The narrator reminds the players that only the narrator's wording has any applicability to the shape and form of the space-time continuum. Everyone else is just talkin' words.

use freed legs to lever out rainbow-maned plug

You try to put your legs… between your legs. That seems kind of foolish, really. It'd be pretty hot if it would work, though.

Honestly, did anyone think to just squeeze out the darn plug? …are you even going to do it now that I pointed it out? Geez that thing's uncomfortable.

you didn't mind last night

Well, last night it felt clean and fresh and lubricated, and the pain was conflicted with pleasure as other things were inserted in other vague places. Now it is just a feeling of stretched, worn-out, and somewhat impactedvagueness.

player: Ace2401 inquires: Why do you insist on using the phrase vague places when everyone knows it means certain orfices?

Lu has a renewed interest in the species of objects to which opposable thumbs belong. Specifically, she wants the all important middle finger she has heard so much about.

Lu's patheticness and frustgruntlement gagues both go up, by +1 and +1" respectively. It is a desperation combo.

player Ace2401 Laughs out loud, but then apoligizes for any offense he may have caused.

Lu gives a grim, slightly tired shake of her head.

help: Using the patheticness gauge.

HELP – topic: patheticness

Really, you're back here again? I told you.

help: Using the frustgruntlement gauge.

HELP – topic: frustgruntlement

The frustgruntlement gauge measures how frustrated and disgruntled Lu is with her current situation. When it reaches maximum power, Lu can have a breakdown of angry moody problems stemming from childhood. This will frequently accomplish absolutely nothing.

free upper right leg, then squeeze out plug.

About free upper right leg: How do I do that? You're the pilot, here, the player. As dirty as that makes me feel.

About squeeze out plug: You push a little, and it pops right out. You roll it over to your side, then pause for a moment as you feel a damp, slightly muddy rush of vagueness come up from behind it. You do not wish to think further on that.

Patheticness +5.

examine chain constraining upper right leg

The chain is shackled to your arm quite tightly at the elbow, cutting off your cirulation and not allowing you very much freedom of movement at all. It seems to require a small key to be unlocked from the mounting point on the bed.

execute level three patheticness technique: vomit

You do not have enough patheticness to vomit.

examine vagueness

Your patheticness gauge is now at maximum. Your lip begins to wibble.

execute level three patheticness technique: vomit

Tears and bile stream down your face in equal amounts. You seem to have vomited recently, as this taste is similar to that which was already in your mouth. Thus, virtually nothing comes up.

Your patheticness is now on overload. You cry like a little foal.

lash out at the players

In a fit of adorable-yet-painful pathos, you weakly throw your hooves around, banging them softly on the bedspread and slightly painfully on the iron bed supports. You are throwing a tantrum like you are a five-year-old. It feels… good.

After a while, you stop and catch your breath. Your left arm is now sore.

Your patheticness decreases by 5.

execute level one desperation technique: half-hearted tug on aforementioned chain

You tug on the chain in as meek a manner as is possible while still causing your arm to move at all. The individual links of the chain make small clicks as they are picked up from the bedspread and fall to a resting state in midair. You don't see a point in this.

Your frustgruntlement with the player is starting to grow at an alarming rate!

search for small key

That is something that you, the player, do through a series of well-thought-out individual commands!

Your frustgruntlement gauge is now at maximum power!

player Ace2401 states: It was worth a shot.

It was worth your face.

Fluttershy, please leave the game.

No. *tailwhip*

Autoerotically Combust

You are so frustrated, you could just… just

You pull yourself around so that you can have both arms between your legs. It requires quite some finangling, but you manage it. You then proceed to masturbate furiously. You actually manage to make a clopping noise! You've always wanted to do that.

After a few minutes, the wet noise outside your room has stopped—but you cannot notice this, because there is now an equally-loud wet noise coming from your own immediate vicinity. You are too distracted to notice when a loud knock pelts at your door. Even though it is slightly ajar, miss Pinkamina still appreciates the concept of privacy.

A voice calls into the room "Hey, Scootaloo, are you… uh… busy?"

answer: no.

You can only moan in response.

Frantically attempt to finish.

You squeeze your hoof tight between your legs, and suddenly the world is sparkles and rockets and nothing is there except the pressure and and–

Pinkamina waits patiently outside the door. She really does appreciate the concept of privacy, doesn't she?

finish up, then defenestrate yourself

You decide that this would probably break your arm. You could go ahead with it anyway, but this isn't one of those games with lots of "You are dead" leaf nodes (because I'm too lazy to write them) and so you decide not to.

watch a movie, select "A futaful mind"

You know that there are literally thousands of beautiful pornos on the non-obsolete glossy computing device laying beside you, now slightly wet and muddied as it may be. However, with only one arm free, you have no idea how to activate the device. It has a stupid inset activation button that was never designed for beings without opposable thumbs.

Be Pionkamena [XDDDD]

You are now Pionkamena, a.k.a. Smarty Pants. You are a small, immobile doll, sitting on the bed of one Big Macintosh, between five other fetishistic representations of other mane-cast ponies familiar to you. You do not question their existence, because they do not question yours. You have an urge to help the dirtied child, but you are unsure of how to accomplish this, given your present state of immobility.

Pionkamena: use adorable, askew button eyes to convey the plight of Scootaloo and the need for assistance to Big Macintosh

You attempt to use your button eyes to convey plight. But they are just as immobile as the rest of your stuffed body, and so nothing out-of-the-ordinary happens.

I would suggest kasting a cpell.

pinkamina: Consider the probable embarrassment of your bedstuck friend at having been seen orgasming furiously on her bed, and rethink interrupting her

You consider the probable embarrassment, but your mind quickly wanders to the physical picture of your adoptive daughter laying helpless and moaning on the bed you have made just for her, her hooves, legs, and everything else held within the grasp of your own domain, so simple an opportunity to, to just step inside and–

but no. You appreciate the concept of privacy. As much as you wish it were otherwise.

Lu: Consider the possibility that the key dropped from your mouth onto the bedspread during the previous night's diversions, as a result of your moans of pleasure

You consider this fact. It seems quite likely.

tell miss pinkamina you'll be with her in moment

You open your mouth equine noises come out, and miss Pinkamina responds with other equine noises. As you understand them, it is apparent that she is too engaged with her present victim to wait around for you to come out of your den of privacy, so she returns to her own den of iniquity. You are safe for the moment.

search for small key under the bed

You reach under the bed with your–

wait, no. You can't reach that.

search bedspread for small key

The small key is not in the crumpled up bunch of blankets that you pushed to the edge of your bed with your legs. You're pretty sure. You really don't want to check, they're kind of gross now.


SG: (Remember)


SG: (Remember Ponder)


SG: (Remember Ponder Acquire)

Use SG to find the small key

You fire the Seguellogysm into the general vicinity of the room. You attempt to remember, and then ponder, and then acquire the small key, but it seems that putting these actions in serial order has no useful meaning. You're probably trying to remember the last time you pondered about acquiring the small key, which is actually a kind of functional composition rather than monadic application.

Pionkamena: cpell volcanic, sloppy, burning vagueness on Big Macintosh

Big Macintosh already has a case of volcanic, sloppy, burning vagueness. He got it from miss Lyra Heartstrings a few weeks ago, and it has refused to go away despite the perscription from the local vagueologist.

Pionkamena suggests that you try to kast a cpell she already knows. She is a competent cyan MAJIKK operator, don'cha'know.

expend Pionkamena's ample frustgruntlement with player on inforfacts re: cyan MAJIKKX

Frustgruntlement cannot ordinarily be used in that manner. However, I will make an exception Re: your use of the term inforfacts.

Pionkamena is now incredibly relaxed, as she had a huge frustgruntlement capacity before, and was not even close to filling it.

help: cyan MAJIKKX

HELP — topic: Cyan MAJIKKX

Haven't you ever played Final Fantasy? Things cast spells on you, then you can cast those spells. durr-hurr

abilify cyan MAJIKK "want it need it" upon Big Mac in relation to Lu

Wait, so, who is the subject of the MAJIKK, and who is the direct object? In other words, who is going to be wanted and needed?

Lu is Want/Need. Mac is Affected.

Kay. das (cyan) MAJIKKX! Big Macintosh is now entranced by the idea, the thought, the very concept of Lu. He wants her. He needs her. And her resistance will only make him harder.

The narrator wishes to remind the player that this particular cpell is memetically infectious to those who step within its MAJIKK sirkle. It should be used responsibly, as you obviously have no care to do.

be Lu

You are now, once again, the incredibly dirty little girl. You, the player, revel in this kinky situation for a moment, before assuming control.




sg: small key

I will help you with this, since you seem to be incapable of executing an interesting Seguellogysm if your typing fingers depended on it, dear the player. Let us pretend, for the sake of argument, that you executed this instead:

(Cognate . Recall . Retrieve)(small key)

that's totally what I was going to do!/savingfacelikeajerk

(I know, but Player: Rustyna~1 got to enter silly commands first)

Anyway, with that, you cognate about recalling how to retrieve the small key. It works surprisingly well, and you find that you remember putting the key in the nightstand drawer after you were done with your night-time travails.

i.e sex

Honestly, the player, you haven't searched the nightstand yet? Score -1 just for being slow. Geez.

The nightstand was clearly labled as out of reach by narrator fiat.

That was when you were tied up by two limbs, stringing you into a single position. You now have the same sort of freedom of movement possessed by a dog tied to a tree.

The narrator failed to point out that the nightstand had a drawer.

It could not be noticed in the dark, and thus cannot be found by examination without turning on a light. By some miracle, you managed to find it by memory instead. There were, however, numerous light sources that have been ignored to the narrator's great displeasure.

retrieve small key from nightstand drawer

The nightstand drawer seems to have been sealed… or rather, gummed shut by some sort of sticky residue. You are sure you could get it open if you could find a way to harden the residue and then punt the nightstand with your strong lower limbs.

oh come on

Lu takes aim, and comes all over the nightstand with her powerful vagueginal muscles. This just makes it stickier.

…well, she would, if you had done this. But you didn't.

player: octavia laughs at the hilarious butthurt.

You are now Player: Octavia. You are sitting in a classroom and goofing off on the Ponynet. You want to be the little girl, even though she is clearly a disgusting wretch.

masturbate in public

You get kicked out of your classroom. You are now free to do whatever you may please.

Ponynet it is.

masturbate in private

You find a secluded corner that you are somewhat sure no one will pass by. You unpack your laptop, your charger cord, and your sexy porny handkerchief-slash-laptop-cover, and arrange them neatly on the ground. You proceed to–

…ah, who am I kidding. You are now Lu again.

player: Ace2401 laughs as well at his percieved hilarious butthurt.

Player: Ace2401 earns one self-insertion point. It is deliciously recursive.

Lu: Use sharpened chain to reduce the nightstand to splinters.

You really don't want to wreck miss Pinkamina's… well, your own, I guess—things.

Except the window garden. That bitch had it coming.

search for a fan

You look out through the ajar window, and spot Big Macintosh approaching at ridiculous speed from down the road. You think he looks, right now, exactly like a frenzied fanatic. You can't do anything to, or with, him from here, though.

search for an electric fan that blows out air using a spinning blade

You are pretty sure that "electricity" is something that only exists in Flutterpony tales; all your fancy doodads are powered by MAJIKKX. Nonetheless, you search for a device fitting that rough description. You find none.

You are aware that you had one just a month ago, and that you put it in the attic for the winter. That was probably dumb of you, considering how often you do vague things that promote sweatiness.

fuck the nightstand

You are not in the mood. You have released all of your frustgruntlement. In fact, if it were not from the constant pesterment from the voice in your head, you would have turned over and slept in your own mess. Because, despite how you present yourself to Tumblr, you are like that.

check to see if there is a breeze coming though the window

It is an incredibly moist day, with no air movement. It really feels like the sky itself just had sex. Er. Vagueif… ica… screw it.


(Harden . Shatter)(Vague Stickiness)

The narrator comments that the power of seguellogysm depends on sparing use at appropriately humorous moments, much like a slippy banana peel. It is starting to feel worn.

Now you're just trolling us.

Actually, no; everything else had a gauge, but seguellogysms are this system's equivalent to FATE/FUDGE points. You get them by doing interesting things, and then can use them to get what you want.

Oh fine, have it your way. It's not like this game ever made sense anyway. XD

It's the Narraror. They'll take it their way, it's not yours to give.

Push nightstand in position in front of window, in collision path of rapidly approaching raging fanboy Big Macintosh

You push the nightstand, but you cannot push it all the way to the window. You manage to move it about one and a half feet. You stop to wonder what animal's feet are used in this system of measurement.

Use vague muddiness and recently released vagueness to lubricate the sticky drawer

Both the vague substances have since dried against your bodily warmth. You could probably produce other vague substances, but doing that on purpose would be undeniably gross.

I will give you a hint if you spend a point. Would you care to? (Y/N)

not yet


(Liquefy . Drink . Vomit)(Vague Stickiness)

You execute a seguellogysm, even though the joke is growing pretty old. You liquefy the vague stickyness, drink it, and then vomit it back up, aiming, I assume, at the sealed part of the drawer. You succeed admirably, in part because this is actually something seguellogysms are designed to do: each part is executed without leaving time for the previous parts to have secondary effects, like some sort of clever… segue thing.

That was a lot of bolded text.

You should probably try the drawer again now.

open the drawer

You pull open the drawer. Inside is… I wonder. Is it some more weird puzzle shit? How deep could this go?

No. It is a key, simple and neat in the bottom of the drawer.

retrieve key

Gee, you could really use some of those opposable thumbs right now. Without those, and without your other arm free, you have nothing to use to lever the key off the bottom of the drawer. Maybe if your hand was slightly stickier

kast cpell: tactile kinesis

You are not a Unicorn; you cannot kast cpells. Despite having a cpell gauge. Its usefulness is theoretical at best.

Rub hoof on sticky residue remaining on nightstand

You rub your hoof in the disgusting mixture of bile and vagueness. Just looking at it makes you want to empty your stomach again, but there is nothing left inside you. In fact, you realize now that you are quite hungry, and your frustgruntlement begins to tick up again.

retrieve key

You stick the key to your hoof, and pull it in a smooth motion onto your chest. You then rub it up along your body until it reaches your arm, ignoring the trail of sick you are leaving on yourself. You reach the keyhole, and then stop to wonder how to twist the small key into an insertive position.

put key in mouth

You rub the key back down your body, which is beginning to remind you of a cement bridge crossing a slug colony. You bring it up to your mouth and touch it delicately to your lips, gripping it firmly between them in the hope that it will never, ever slip further inside.

free upper right leg from the chain

You do the key-unlocky thing. You pull your arm free, finally. You stand up on your bed. It feels good to stand up. Though–

you fall over, because your blood quite swiftly came to reside in your gloating head. You move to a more reasonable sitting position, and tally +1 patheticness point.

leave the room through the ajar door

You look at the ajar door.

You feel disgusting, and don't want miss Pinkamina to see you in anything approaching this condition. You consider quickly dashing across the hall, but you think you should at least do something to clean up first, in case she comes into your den of privacy (however unlikely that may be.) You shut the ajar door.

Remove filthy sheets from the bed

You pull the bedsheets off of the bed. You are now carrying 1 bedsheets in your inventorious bullshitificator.

Oh Shiz

take Bedsheets to laundry room

The laundry room is downstairs beside the living room. It would really be quite a long trek with a high chance of being discovered and/or dripping filth all over the carpet. You put them down on the floor instead.

x room

It is dark. Maybe you should turn on a light?

oh fine, turn on A light

You finally turn on the freaking lights. You now realize that the room is covered in vagueness. There is vagueness on the walls, on the floor, and even on the ceilings. There are also slight amounts of gore, which you're somewhat unsure as to the origin of, as you seem to be mostly unharmed from last night.

Use key to prod power toggle on porn-filled computer.

Now that you have both arms free, you simply hold the porn-filled non-obsolete glossy computing device with one arm and poke the inset button with the other. The screen lights up and displays a slidey lock thing, which you do the regular slidey thing to. You now have access to the Ponynet.

Score +1!

watch "A futaful mind"

You search for this delicious-sounding movie title on Youtube, and find nothing. You then search it on Cloptube, and still find nothing. Your frustgruntlement and patheticness rise in delirious unison. Finally, you just search for a torrent of the thing, and set it to downloading.

It will be a while.

take A fricking shower, leaving the Bedsheets in the bathroom to be dealt with later.

Your entire room is covered in vagueness, and you want to just leave it like this? Sheesh. Okay, if you want. You da boss, the player.

You enter the shower, turn on the water, and are immersed in beautiful cleaning scrubby-bubbles, just as you have been hoping and praying for for these last eight hours. (Seriously, the player, you're pretty damn tardy here~)


Big Macintosh arrives at the front of the house. He slams open the door, and runs into the entryway, grunting and thrusting in manly excitement.

The tripwire cuts off his face.

But he proceeds.

You find yourself face to face with a faceless stallion, who proceeds to rape you, repeatedly, in vague ways, as he bleeds out from head trauma. It is all incredibly disgusting and probably not the correct or intended ending to the game.

You have scored 1 out of a possible Infinity points. Do you want your possessions identified? (Y/N/Undo)


You are now unclean, and standing in front of the shower.

Use Bedsheets to clean the vagueness

You wipe yourself up and down with bedsheets. It merely serves to spread around the horrible filth.

use discarded scrap from obsolete Compy to scrape vagueness off of the walls, floor, and ceiling. do not worry about the time.

You scour your room with bits of fans, plastic, and PCB. You wonder how this will help, but you realize that by destroying the paint job of your room, you are rendering it impossible to discriminate what filth is regular, and what filth is incredibly, disgustingly vague.

Having accomplished this long slog of a task, you take no note of the procession of the cosmos to its inevitable conclusion. In respect, it takes no note of you.

Take a fricking shower without getting raped by faceless Big Macintosh

That is not a command, but rather a wishy-washy hope. Getting raped by Big Macintosh is an inevitability of time. You must beat the clock to stop it.

beat clocks to establish chronology?

I'm not asking, just making a suggestion. I see no clocks here.

Acquire weapon

You think for a moment, then, using your powers of intense fibbification, you turn on your other obsolete piece-of-crap and put in a game of great nostalgia. You manage to reach through the screen and extract the ULTIMAET WEPON from it.

Coming out, the WEPON is approximately four inches tall. You wonder how effective it will be.

Place tripwire at a level where it will decapitate Big Macintosh

This would be a good idea if you could get downstairs without miss Pinkamina smelling your foul aroma of extended vagueness. She has a sharp nose, that one.

search bathroom medicine cabinet

You search the cabinet for something that stinks worse than you do. You find a bottle of Axe. You wonder why the heck you own this shit. Then you realize that you are two teenaged girls with bad hygiene. Of course you own this shit.

Use axe to cover up your smell of vagueness

You attempt to cover the smell of vagueness with Axe, before, too late, realizing that Axe is basically the same thing as vagueness, and only serves to amplify the vile stench.

Suddenly, Big Mac is upon you! What do you do?

Axe him in the eyes

You swing the bottle of Axe toward him. It breaks open, revealing inside the party-sized axe it is named for. You, not even waiting to see what godawful thing the player wants to do with it, reach for it and smash it down into Big Mac's tender vagueness.

Big Mac no longer wants or needs you. He's having enough trouble needing his blood.

dispose of Big Mac

You dispose of Big Mac the same way anyone would: you take him out of the box and eat him, making sure to hold him by both sides so that the special sauce won't drip out all over you. You nevertheless lose half the lettuce. Keeping it was impossible; you don't worry too much.

Big Mac has been defeated!

+52 bullshit inventory capacity (still not nearly enough);

+1 crotchboob size (for purposes of saves vs. playing-with-self);

+3 points;

and +2 MAJIKKX (that you can't use, obviously.)

take that fricking shower already

You take a shower. You take all the showers. And you keep your axe. It's like a horror movie in reverse. The killer cleaning themselves, just waiting to be jumped by a hapless victim. It is glorious.

You are now clean. As is your axe.

+500 points.

Your patheticness gague is now empty.

yes finally

You delight in the water, savoring it. It feels better than any vagueness.

[Time passes.]

You are jumped in the shower by a mob of ponies under the influence of a MAJIKK-memetic virus. Despite your axe, and the fact that half of them are missing various body parts, they easily overwhelm you.


yes you jerk

You are now fucking dirty all over again. You are really beginning to wish that last night never happened, even though it was so Celestia-damned good while it lasted. Oh well.

fix the tripwire that apparently won't do its job

You wonder how to do this. Obviously if one tripwire just has a slight probability of cutting a pony in the correct place, then more tripwires would work more better. But however could you obtain more tripwires? They don't come from a tripwire store or anything; miss Pinkamina made the last one herself somehow.

destroy the nearest operational timepiece

You walk downstairs, still dirty as all heck, and hit the tiny wristwatch on miss Pinkamina's bedside table with your axe. It dies with a satisfying sproing.

Take that, time.

take A quick shower

Showering quickly, outside of the influence of a righteous seguellogasm, is thoroughly impossible.

(Wet Soap Dry)(Self) using Shower

You wet yourself. Then you rub soap all over your body, using your own urine… are you really sure this is what you want to happen?

Belay that order. Continue being filthy.

Okie-dokey, Loki. (Yes, you, the player, are the god Loki. You will now be referred to as such.)

was just about to ask

Use axe to kill everypony starting with those closest to you (but is not you), and then finally kill yourself last because you have fricking lost it


You kill everything, including Loki.

You, Loki, have died. Good job sportsfan.

You have earned the achievement "dies in the game, dies in real life."

You undo automatically, because you have no volition past the veil of breath that marks the passage into the afterlife.

How many points is my achievment worth?

The metaphysical paradigm in which Loki is gaming it up has no concept of points. It only has achievements and sexual favors.

(Within which Loki is operating)

fuck latinate grammatical rules

They're certainly sexy enough

What about the other points I have earned?

You (Lu) earned those points. They are able to be spent by Loki in a strange, pseudo-volitional manner to affect Lu's existence after the game's terminal state has been reached.

roll dice to determine intensity of miss pinkamina's displeasure with you having decimated the only operational timepiece in the house

You roll the dice.

They are ten-sided dice, because you are secretly a nerd. Well, maybe secretly. I mean, Tumblr knows.

They land on 4 and 7.

You have no idea what this entails.

go to the kitchen. grab yourself a snack.

(You are now in kitchen.) Grabbed.

grab A quick birdbath in the sink

You bathe. And then, you die. Were you expecting anything else?

(Auto undone)

scoot across the wool carpet

Scoot scoot.

Scoot scoot.

Your behind is now less vague. The carpeting is now more vague. Also, the static MAJIKKX in the carpeting have now transferred to you through the alchemical property of contagion. You have captured one of the six elemental bases, and can now kast cpells.

can I take a shower without getting killed or raped yet? if so, do that.

You do nothing, because that material implication is false.

eat snack

You eat the snack. It is incredibly hard to fit it in after having already eaten that big, greasy burger referred to as a Big Mac, but you manage to retain your current level of patheticness.

close, lock, and barricade the entryways to prevent ponies from entering your home

You do so.

take A fricking shower

You enter the shower. Just as you are about to turn on the faucet, miss Pinkamina enters the bathroom as well. She sees your current state of amazing filth. Her eyes defocus. She coughs, twice. And then…

She thanks you for preparing yourself in such a beautifully sexual way. She says you know just what she likes, but she didn't think it would be… this …soon…

You shake your head, but she already has you on the ground.

enjoy the hot sex with miss pinkamina

A horde of mindless ponies has managed to stack itself up to the bathroom window. They pour in and cover you while you are date-raped by your adoptive mother.

…you win.

You have scored 6 out of a possible Infinity points.

undo death/rape whatever


poinkamina: kast the countercpell to the want it need it cpell

Poinkameana doesn't know the countercpell. It was of too high a level for her cyan MAJIKKX to learn, since it was kast by a beautiful sentient-maned princess pony.

be the beautiful flowy-maned princess pony

You try to be the princess pony, but instead you end up being Spike. Spike's patheticness meter is always maximum.

Lu: Go outside and look around.

You exit the house. (+1 million points)

You are immediately ravaged by a horde of mindless MAJIKK-slaves. With tentacles, somehow.

tentacles? kthanx

undo death

Which one?

The one right above

That's not death.

Oh. It kinda looks like it.

thunderbolt the tentacle-MAJIKK-slaves with the unlimited alchemy of woolthunder. ride the scootalightning, motherbuckers.

CPELLWoolthunder, on: tentacle-MAJIKK-slaves

You kill everypony in town.

Everypony in town?




Including miss Pinkamina and yourself.

The power of static MAJIKKtricity is fearsome to behold.

Restart own heart with static magikktricity

Done! You are amazed that that worked.

restart miss pinkamina and your friend's hearts with MAJIKKtricity

Also done. You, Loki, didn't even have to ask; you would obviously have done that. You're not some sort of bully.

Just making sure. XD

finally Take a shower. Steeped in mud. And vagueness.

You take the dirtiest shower of your life. Eventually all the accumulated vague starts to slide off, and you become clean pony Scootaloo, defender of obsessive-compulsive hand-washing everywhere.

Or not. But you really feel like you would like this to last a while.

(+500 points!)

You are now clean. And nothing has killed you yet. However, most of the ponies in town (except for your friends) are now dead, and therefore miss Pinkamina has nopony to kill.

She decides to kill you, Loki, for making A royal canterlot ass of yourself.

Loki: revives self with MAJIKKtricity

Loki cannot kast MAJIKKX. Also, Loki is dead, and thus cannot give commands.

Remember how you are now Spike?

I meant that you, Loki, are now Spike.

Spike, direct Lu.

Spike: Be rainbow dash

Spike tries to be rainbow dash, but since his patheticness is always at maximum, he just ends up wetting himself instead. The real rainbow dash flies by him and laughs.

You lose, after quite a few turns more than I should have let this branch go on.

undo being rainbow dash

You undo back to when you, the player, were Loki, and back to when Lu was filthy. Because that's how this game rolls.


Thunderwool something, for the love of candied apples.

Good idea. You Thunderwool the advancing horde from a good distance, long before they reach your house. Good thing you didn't stop to take a shower, eh?

They are singed only slightly, but it knocks most of them into a state of reduced living capability, also known as being totally fucked over. You can ignore then, but they will go on being good victims.

Also, due to your cpell's aim, you are not dead.

do not take A shower

You avoid taking A shower like your life depended on it. Even though that seems like a completely trivial and silly thing to do.

Have the effects of the want it need it cpell been destroyed by the thunderwooling?

No. The ponies will resume being a horde of mindless MAJIKK-memetic zombies craving Lu's behind when they awaken. However, that won't be for a long while.

Do ponies killed by thuderwooling and then revived by MAJIKKtricity still remain affected by the want it need it cpell?

No. Status effects do not persist death. Haven't you ever played an rpg? <3

This game isn't quite normal, is it? XD

It's as normal as Braid x Portal x Chrono Trigger x Homestuck fanfiction…

Stop inquiring, and bring a new friend who is fucked over with which miss pinkamena may play into the house

You retrieve a static body and feed it to the terrible beast of lust that you find oh-so-attractive. She somehow manages to take it without even seeing your filthy state, probably due to her completely retarded level of arousal at this moment. You wonder what has gotten her so worked up today.

Continue to stay the fuck away from showers.


Also: Do not Pick Up the Phone Booth.

It is impossible to not pick up the phone booth.

You are now carrying the phone booth in your inventorical bullshitificator.

kill everyponyexcept yourself with thuderwooling, and then revive everypony with MAJIKKtricity

you do not have enough emmmmm peeeees for that. (emmmm peeees are units of static majjiktricity. Electromagnetic Phlegms.)

scoot on the carpet some more to build up emmmm peeees to maximum

You scoot your loo against the carpeting. Your emmmm peeees are now emmmmmmmmmmmm peeeeeeeeeeeees.

kill everyponyexcept yourself with thuderwooling, and then revive everypony with MAJIKKtricity

You kill everypony in the universe, including yourself and all alternate versions of yourself, and Loki, and the narrator–hrrrk

[Time passes.]

–oh, I seem to be alive. Hm. So is everypony else.

Well, the want-it-need-it cpell seems to have been obliterated across the entirety of the universe by one little pony's butt-frotteurism. Nice work on that.

take a fricking shower, and become clean

You do. pinkamina finds you and fucks you. to death.

(+12345678 points.)

…you win. You have gained some amount I am not bothering to sum up of a possible Infinity points.

You, Loki, have gained the achievement "a boner." Hurrrr.


That's actually a halfway decnet result, even if you are still trolling me to some extent. XD

It's true, it is. But I remind you of the possible Infinity points you're missing. Also, Lu is dead. And you probably don't want that.

So what in the everliving heck do I have to do to not die when I get clean? You had said before that I could safely shower after I deal with the want-it-need-it cpell.

Well, pretty obviously, you have to not use the shower, because it leaves you vulnerable to Pinkamina. She's lustful for a different reason, which is possibly a subquest. Or you could avoid her and go to somepony else's house now that the road is clear.


You are now back to being filthy. and alive. And, sadly, unraped.

Is the want-it-need-it cpell no longer in effect?

no that is gone, it went away when you shocked everything.

He could have gone back to before that. I'm double checking.

(No, the only things that really have changes are what I said. If I don't mention it in the undo brief, you can use the loophole for hax.)


Go to sweetie belle's house

You walk toward sweetie belle's house (that is to say, rarity's workplace, because fuck the existence of parents) while still covered in filth. You arrive at her door and knock. The varnished wood sticks to your soiled hooves.

Anything you want to do before she answers?


sweetie belle comes to the door, first opening it just enough to peek outside, then, upon seeing your vague-blasted visage, steps outside with you and slams it shut. She seems like she's about to cry. You wonder if you look that horrible. Then you remember the stench.

explain the situation to sweetie belle, and that you need to use her shower.

sweetie belle does not have nearly the capacity for patheticness you do, and vomits on the ground outside. Still, being a good and naive friend, she allows you to continue your manic spiel on the benefits of letting A seemingly-crazed and MAJIKK-drunk girl into her home to be naked under water.

anything can be made to sound alienating with the right perspective. She just lets you in like it ain't no thang.

Use shower, become clean.

You encounter a wild rarity. (Oh Shiz) Her eyes take you in. Your level of filth. filth.


She somehow manages to vaporize you with her hate.

Undo blah blah blah.

You are back outside.

Does Lu have the MAJIKKtricity required to thunderwool rarity?

The emmmmmm peeeeees were expended in the cpellkasting. Lu could probably thunderwool sweetie belle… but even Spike could thunderwool sweetie belle. And his patheticness is maximum.

create disguise out of acquired filth

(This is probably now a good idea.)

Using sweetie belle as a spotter, you move your filth around such that you appear to be an inanimate object. You are not sure what kind of inanimate object you appear to be, but you suppose that it might be an orange coat of some sort.

Sadly, your body has no trace of orange left, and you appear to be a large, hardened blob of santorum. You are glad that the narrator usually used the word vagueness.

Does the bathroom have a window?

No. It is one of those horrible bathrooms that get damper the longer you stay within them. It is a wonder that rarity manages to look the way she does.

sneak past Rarity to reach the bathroom

You enter the house. A wild rarity approaches… and promptly faints after seeing the face of her nightmares standing before her. You enter the bathroom.

Baricade the door

You reach to barricade the door, but sweetie belle has already stepped inside with you. Do you continue? (Y/N)

no, but ask sweetie belle to gaurd the bathroom from wild rarities

The narrator humbly posits that sweetie belle is the worst guard ever, because of her high imagination stat blatanlty stolen from problem sleuth.

politely Ask sweetie belle to leave the bathroom

sweetie belle insists that she wants to stay, and perhaps to help you clean yourself. You have no idea why this would rank anywhere within her desires, especially given how horribly filthy you are at this moment. If you were anyone other than you at this moment, you would rather nuke you from orbit than touch you.

ask if sweetie belle wants to sex you to death in the shower

sweetie belle is incapable of using any verb with the subordinate clause "to death." Her frustgruntlement is always at minimum.

baricade door to prevent wild rarities from intruding into the bathroom

you barricade the door with the massive assortment of hair products that the wild rarity obviously keeps stocked in every possible cranny of the bathroom. They make a pile higher than the bathroom door.

Wile keeping your gaurd up in case of anything that may kill you, use the shower to become clean. in case of impending death or rape, run like hell

You begin to clean yourself. sweetie belle steps into the shower and helps, in a surprisingly pleasant and not altogether removed from, but also not entirely, sexual manner. You feel both clean and aroused. sweetie belle, however, is now slightly filthy.

+500 points for cleanliness.

+3 points for class-s relationship.

thank sweetie belle, and return home

You thank sweetie belle, but she looks extremely disappointed. You guess that she expected you to clean your filth off her body.

decide to stay and return the favour since nothing seems to be killing or raping Scootaloo

You clean sweetie belle, but you just get filthy again. Then she cleans you… it just seems to be passing back and forth, forever.

[Time passes.]

You realize that there was no window in this room, and that you thoroughly barricaded the door. You are having a lot of trouble breathing.

let in fresh air

You topple the cans and open the door.

close the door again after getting fresh air into the bathroom

A wild rarity manages to rush into the room. She seems to have been camping the door like some sort of nub.

run like hell

Why? You are no longer filthy.

belay the last command, but keep your gaurd up

The wild rarity spies the currently-filthy sweetie belle. The wild rarity hulks out. The wild rarity is now the fifty-foot wild rarity.

Is now a good time to run like hell?

Yes. The fifty-foot wild rarity puts two and two together and realizes that you have taken her sister's vagueginity, because of how vague she currently is. She gives chase at a rate of fifty feet per foot. As in, every time you put down your little hoof, she puts down a big, ugly, dragon-like foot. You didn't realize that hulking out did that.

run like hell and dodge giant feet

You do so. The wild rarity tries to gnab you, but it seems that her aim has been deleteriously affected by her hulk-out. She merely swings her meaty fists around like a damn dirty ape.

go to twilight's library

You arrive at the library and fast-talk your way inside. You realize that sweetie belle has been chasing you this whole time, trusting your judgement for a good place to hide from her scary sister. Do you let her in? (Y/N)


You allow your filthy friend into the clean, quiet, and well-kept library. You see twilight sparkle pony sitting on a chair in a somewhat humorous position, reading a large and undoubtedly boring book. She sees you as well, and… seems to not give even the slightest fuck.

Explain the situation to twilight and Spike, and politely ask to use the bathroom

Twilight nods. Twilight goes back to reading.

find A way to get both sweetie belle and Scootaloo clean

You manage to put two and two together as well, and realize that somehow the grime covering both you and sweetie belle has somehow become MAJIKKal in nature. It seems it requires a MAJIKKal intercession.

ask twilight for help with the MAJIKKal filth.

twilight sparkle pony has a very hard time paying attention to your request. It seems like she is just barely attuned to this plane of existence to begin with. Or maybe she's just high. Either way, after you finish, she nods. And does nothing.

wonder why rainbow dash's vagueness is so MAJIKKal.

You would wonder this, but you realize that doing so would leave it less up to interpretation as to who you had vague relations with last night. That plug notwithstanding, because you have always owned that thing. You made it yourself.

keeps assuming that the vagueness that took place last night was with rainbow dash, as that was a suspiciously specific denail

Because the narrator can tell what you are on about, player: Ace2401.


Release sexual tension with sweetie belle in the bathroom where it's private.

You do it with your friend. This makes you feel dirty in a completely different way than you are used to. But you imagine it will be okay, eventually.

Now you are both filthy.

take showers togehter again

twilight sparkle pony's shower does no better at cleaning you off in your mutual grime than the wild rarity's did. You wonder what happened to the wild rarity, anyway. She's probably still outside or something.

Has some of the filth been removed by the shower?

Some of the filth has now been pushed inside your vagueness by the vigorous vagueing together. That's gross. But it's less visible, at least… no. That's just gross.

Check and see if twilight is less high/more attunded to the real world yet.

twilight sparkle pony seems to be coming down a bit. You re-attempt to tell her of your plight. She giggles and points her hoof at your face, and says that the MAJIKKX making up your atomic nuclei are currently doing something-or-other a prime number of times per second.

ask twilight if she can help.

Why don't you ask Spike? Spike isn't high. Spike is just pathetic.

Reallocate filth to Spike, where everyone is used to seeing filth anyway

This is an incredibly good idea. Sadly, Spike already has maximum filth as well.

ask Spike for help

You ask Spike to tell twilight sparkle pony of your plight for you, since, having lived with her for his entire life, he may just know a way of getting through to her that you, Loki, in your dull-minded absenteeism, never ventured toward.

Spike waddles over to twilight sparkle pony, and kicks her off of her chair. twilight looks up at him blearily from the floor, and begins to wail quietly, apparently at something that isn't there.

Spike shakes his head.

He does, however, bring you a book. It is the book of dumb fabric, that may be familiar to some of you from another story.

Spike: Offer to trade a quantity of mundane filth for Lu's swanky accumulation of magical filth

Spike says that his filth is plenty MAJIKKal. He got it from the ew monsters on the elemental plane of degradation.

look for a cure to the filth in thiis book

You look at the book, but it seems to be written it stupid language that rewrites itself as it is read. Thus, only one pony can read it at a time. Since it is a book of cpells [of sorts], you let sweetie belle do the reading. It's not like you can learn them.

sweetie belle says she found something that might work. Will you try it? (Y/N)

ask about what she discovered first.

sweetie belle says that it is a genocide cpell, of the kind found in most roguelike games. She thinks she will cast it on the kind of filth, eliminating all filth from the universe.

Can I use points to ensure the saftey of this cpell?

What kind of points?

Points like the ones I got for getting clean.

Oh, no, those are used after the game is complete. They're for dlc and alternate endings and such.


It's Seguellogysms that require special ponts that you get from doing cool things. You've earned a few.

asks sweetie belle how safe the cpell would be, as it would be unfortunate if sweetie belle accidentally targets pegasi.

She doesn't know. She is only in junior high, like you; she hasn't even branched off to MAJIKK cinderjarden yet.

check on twilight and see if she will talk to you

twilight sparkle pony says hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii.

Ask her if she feels good enought to cast a cpell

twilight sparkly pony feeeeeeeeeells sooo gooood you wouldn't even believe.

sure she'll acst a shpeel. What cpal?

takes smuchk biat

be twilight

this is amazing you guys whoa

You are now Twilight. Or rather, a few hours ago you would have been Twilight. But then, well, a lot of things have happened since then…

now you are the universe.

You can't really explain it, you just… just …man.

Just, yeah.

Anyway, you win.

Do I get infinite points for being the universe?

no. Being the universe sucks oh god I want out it's too big fuck I haaannnngggnnnnaaahh. help

Lu: Ask Twilight if she's sure she's feeling alright.

twilight sparkle pony is curled into a ball on the floor. She looks like she needs a hug.

give twilight A hug

Twilight feels better. However, Twilight is now filthy as well.

ask twilight to cast the cpell to get rid of all of the filth.

Twilight nods, as she currently sees the beautiful logic in this proposal. Without filth, the world will no longer have scary fractal complexity that makes her brain shatter into sharp pieces. She casts the cpell.

Suddenly, nopony's body contains mitochondria!

I hate you :P (jk of course)

All viruses, bacteria, and other forms of lower life have been eradicated. As have all rocks below a certain size, and the skeletons of many dead insects. Beaches no longer exist. The sea floor is hard rock.

What did you think filth was?


You attempt to dance, but within moments all cells within your body experience apoptosis from a lack of energy. You fall over in the most amazing display of sudden spontaneous death ever witnessed. By nobody, of course; they're all dead.


filth exists once more. Your living bodies revel in it.

Twilight experiences this whole divergent timeline within her mind's eye, and sheds a single tear in amazement.

Tilight: devote life to redefining filth so that you can one day cast the cpell in a less destructive and murderous manner

cpells do not work on the taxonomies defined by mortal man. cpells operate on the taxonomies decided on by the royal canterlot bureau of inadequately-useful alchemical interactions.

How about a mortal pony? Those have got to be better and more influential

Those are even less influential, existing as they do within a clunky simulation. twilight sparkle pony frequently goes on trips to forget about how someone could turn off her universe.

screw it and just get twilight to eliminate the smell and the visible grossness emanating from their bodies.

Twilight casts another cpell, this one much more mundane. Both you and sweetie belle (and I guess twilight herself) are now visibly clean. However…

…you have not earned 500 points, as you aren't actually clean.

don't do it

(No, this is probably the good solution. Though you'll have to deal with its consequences.)

(good XD)

I can live with them being dirty with mitochondria XD (is too tired to come up with full solution)

Here, let's have a demonstration:

sweetie belle touches a chair. The chair is now covered in mutagenic filth, despite her apparent cleanliness.

Oh dear.

Is the chair apparently clean?

No. The chair is visibly filthy. You and sweetie belle are now "carriers" of a filth virus.

Scootaloo and sweetie belle take a nap, sleeping on their problem.

They do. It feels quite nice. They turn out to be able to touch each other without getting visibly filthy any longer, so they do that. A lot. In a tired, cuddly manner.

+3 more s-class relationship points. (Lu actually already has a lot of those from previous adventures. Ruby gave her +600 or so. I think Coronet gave her at least +70.)

Don hazmat suit that everypony seems to just have lying around

This is a great idea and a good temporary solution, as it would seem. You try to put on the suit. However, as soon as you touch the helmet, filth spreads from the inside and races around to cover the faceplace.

But does the suit communicate the virus to other objects?

Yes. The filth is now extremely virile.

Twilight: Use magical genetic engineering to make the invisibility and smellessness of the virus hereditary

The virus becomes known as aids, and goes on to kill trillions of ponies. utopia has been destroyed. Probably undo.


'kay. Figured as such. (An invisible filth virus is a metaphor for an std, as of right now.)

(I blame delirium caused by lack of sleep. XD In fact, I blame most of this on that. XD)


Realize that you've given a chair a sexually transmitted disease

toilet seats have held this position in a long tradition. Other chairs are just catching up over time by doing all their filthing at once.

Do ponies have a cure for aids? Magical pony laaand

Like I said way at the beginning of this thing… pony stds have been eradicated, but are not actively stopped from re-emerging

(Oh, i guess i missed it)

(I think it was at, like, 9pm or something silly)

I don't think we need to kill Spike just yet

[dies laughing]

Narrator: Make all of this canon through semantic shenanigans and time tomfoolery

The narrator makes all of this canon by shooting it out of a cannon with the N removed. It seems to work, as far as he can see, but he fails to realize that he exists only as a character in A writestream, and has no effect on any continuities, even those of tumblr.

Tsutsu: Make all of this canon through slightly fewer semantic shenanigans but with slightly more author powers

I'm not sure how to make this canon without making the wild rarity an extremely silly character that would have to eventually be retconned from the story.

Divergence 2.5, retconned by Luna entirely for silliness? lol

filthmonster bleh. like alfalfa monster.

You suddenly find the fact that your first name is schema mildly amusing for some unknown reason. (Filthmonster gambit schema eeee~)

You are standing in a library. There is a very high twilight sparkle staring at you, while her pathetic assistant scurries about. sweetie belle is beside you, wondering what you shall get up to on this fine day. Suddenly, you are standing in deer urine.

Pet sweetie belle's mane I really like her mane.

You reach over, and, with gentleness and care befitting the holiest of saints, you touch your hoof to sweetie belle's mane. Immediately, like some sort of sick parody of king midas, you cause sweetie belle to get covered in filth.

She does not notice, because her imagination is at maximum.

Say "eeeeyuck! you've been slobbered!"

You say this. As always, the people reading this text only hear horse noises. sweetie belle looks down and groans in realization that your filth problems have not been solved. However, unlike before, she immediately goes and showers to clean herself, because now that will not kill you.

masturbate thinking of her in the shower

You masturbate right in front of twilight sparkle pony. She giggles slightly and goes to get a frozen pizza to nuke with her pyroMAJIKKX.

Learn Latin to understand what the hell a pyroMAJIKKX is.

You already know latin. You still have no idea what pyroMAJIKKX is, even though it could be deduced easily by the readers of this text by splitting it into its constituent roots, because this is one of those games, where you need to find something to trip A flag showing you know of its existence.

Do it. Faggot.

You re-enact the storyline of Infinity's Tale, or "it" for short. It takes five weeks. Luckily, nothing happens to change the world state during this performance. You find that

the next day, everyone fucking dies.

You try to will this into happening, but sadly your powers of tomfoolery do not reach to that level. Perhaps you could ask Miss Pinkamina for assistance?

Well, damn.

Punch a hole in the wall.

You proceed to lay A beat down on the innocent walls of the library. Spike sheds a single tear, in the way that only a character whose patheticness is maximum can do.

Wash an old person

You do not see an old person here.

Raid the fridge!

You attempt to raid the fridge, but twilight sparkle pony is already raiding the fridge in a fit of munchies. You will have to wait your turn.

Check your gayventory

You take a gander at the inventorial bullshittery mechanism, which will doubtlessly cause you all sorts of trouble if you would ever manage to pick up more than one thing at A time. Right now you have nothing.

Do a trick on your scooter and don't act like a chicken

(Taking scooter from outside) You get massive air, earning style points, which are pretty damn useless.

You try to not act like a chicken, but fail. You squawk in sweetie belle's ear as she returns from her shower. It is a good thing that she has her own problems, or she wouldn't be your friend for long.

Jailbreak the non-obsolete computing device, or perhaps consider doing so at a better time later.

Do you want to go all the way back home to pick up the non-obsolete computing device? (Y/N)

No, but pontification for the future is possible.

You consider jailbreaking the nocd. It, sadly, is running the newest revision of the horriblly locked-down operating system it came with, for which there is not yet a published jailbreak. Luckily, you don't see much reason to do this anyway, as you have plenty of spare bits from all of Miss Pinkamina's inventional patent royalties, and so can afford to buy shit on the nocd's stupid store.

look at twilight sparkle pony and see if she notices sweetie belle is covered in filth

You look at twilight sparkle pony. She does not even notice that she is standing on the counter, let alone that sweetie belle is filthy (which she no longer is, having had a shower.)

Use your computer to log onto tumblr and check your many, many messages

(Getting computer from house.) You check your messages. You have so much spam. It's kind of ridiculous how many people get up in your business about posting whenever you feel lazy for even a single day. You wish they would just write about the events of your life that only you know about themselves. Which is a quite intricate and useless wish, of precisely the kind that could go so wrong in the hands of a djinn-master of tomfoolery.

relay wish to twilight sparkle pony

You inform twilight of your intense desire for everyone everywhere to know about all the events of your life without you having to lift A hooftip. She thinks for a moment, then, sniggering like A madfilly, wiggles her hooves in the air.

A room is created on the Ponynet where people can watch and direct your actions. It is all very temporally self-fulfilling.

Stop having sex with sex dolls.

(It's okay, everyone does it. That's what makes it so.. so… nynaaaa~)

Acquire swag-ass real estate and pimping hat.

You acquire both of these things. It occurs to you that equestria is A centrally-planned, somewhat communist state where property does not exist, at least in the sense of land-ownership, so really you just now have a pimping hat.

+3 style points. (Still useless)

patheticness points are now at 0.

Pontificate where these strange urges and non sequiturs in your mind that don't seem to be relevant to your situation are coming from.

You think it may have had something to do with the wish you made just moments ago. In a very paradoxical way.

Consider resisting the urges and performing a thematically consistent and diegetically continuous narrative eligible for the pulitzer prize of fiction, or at least the caldecott medal (for the children).

You consider this for a moment, but then realize that that would entail some mysterious author getting off his ass and writing the rest of the wake arc. You have a feeling that he really would rather see how many different ways he can come up with to procrastinate from this. using capital letters.

like A bauss

Gaussian cannons are cool. poopybutts ಠ_ಠ

Have a tag team match with you and sweetie belle verses twilight sparkle pony and Spike for control of the library

You cannot convince sweetie belle or twilight sparkle pony to join you in your match. So, you just decide to beat up Spike.

this decision will suffice

Spike, whose patheticness is always maximum, becomes Spike, whose death was quite anticlimactic.

You earn no experience, because Spike has the challenge rating of a moldy banana.

Ask sweetie for a clopjob/hoofing

horse noises escape your gumflaps. sweetie belle nods, then pauses for just a moment. Then longer than a moment. It seems

sweetie belle is now imagining something.

Ask a Clopjob for a sweetie.

You do not see any clopjobs to ask.

Have some of whatever twilight sparkle pony is having.

You ask twilight sparkle pony for some of her best shit. She hooks you up. Your perceptual smear is now at 0.3.


You smack all the bitches asking for pornography right in their fat, greasy, virgin faces.

look for a book about how to defend yourself and place it on Spike's body

You look. You see, amongst the massive shelf of sleep-lulling non-fiction titles, a fifty-pound spider with the title "How to defend." You pull the spider off the shelf and put it on Spike's carcass, which is promptly devoured.

Dearest Manager, do you already have an ending in mind for this game, or are you really playing it by ear?

(I have something interesting in mind, and quite a few game systems left to introduce, if anyone would go questing in A manner befitting A game-like protagonist.)

Do the Mario. Swing your arms from side to side.


+ 5 style points.

But also,

+ 2 patheticness.

Suddenly, the fifty-foot tall wild rarity manages to break open the side of the library.

Attempt to filthy her mane

You touch the rarity. She becomes filthier than the content of your own fantasies, which are admittedly all-the-way filthy. She shrieks and falls to the ground, seemingly trying to stop drop and roll the filth away like some sort of flame of awfulness. It does not seem to be working.

Is the library being destroyed?

The library's structural soundness is at an all-time low, due to both the wild rarity's attack and your own. However, nothing is actively destroying it at the moment. It will probably fall apart quite quickly on its own, though, due to A startling lack of negentropy.

Hope that she made lotsa dinner.

You hope. Your hope is somewhat fulfilled when you see just how many frozen pizzas twilight sparkle pony has managed to stuff into her poor pyrobox.

come on its time to go into twilight sparkle pony's vagina


You are now in twilight sparkle pony's vagina. It is dark and wet. You are likely to be eaten by a crab.

(Hey, Twat. What's wet and loose?) Your poo-see.

Determine if your body size has been decreased or if only part of your body is in the new location.

(You examine self to determine this.)

You seem to be fully engulfed in a room that is much larger than your entire frame, slightly diminuitive though that may be. In fact, you are not sure how you got here, or whether this place actually has anything to do with an organ located in A pony at all. It's probably just an location modelling convenience of some sort.

hey listen, listen. the cat's a-pissin.

listen for a heartbeat

You hear a heartbeat, coming from the distance of the tunnel of love. It reminds you of that recolored cavern at the end of chrono trigger.

Aquire twilight sparkle pony's ovaries

You approach the heartbeat, and find yourself at a diverging path. You take the left path arbitrarily, and wind up inside a three-dimensional forest of slippery bubbles. You are not sure how to take the location you are currently swimming around in.

Does this count as questing?

Inasmuch as this is a dungeon, yes.

Craft ovaries into nunchyaku

Your tomfoolery level is way too low for that.

consume one bubble.

You take a bubble carefully between your sodden hooves, ignoring the immediate transfer of filth. You put it to your lips and take a nibble.

It tastes like babies. A taste you are intimately familiar with.


Attempt to craft anything. Feel useless if you do not succeed.

You smush two bubbles together. You form a bubble barbell. You wonder if the crafting system works almost exactly like minecraft's.

Pee on a homeless pony.

You see no pony here, besides yourself.

Become homeless so you can pee on yourself.

(Leaving twilight sparkle pony's vagina, going to your home, and thunderwooling it to smithereens) You are now homeless.

not the swag ass land!!!!!!!

(I remind you that you can always undo, because you have never attempted this before and it is the first time it is relevant.)

undo becoming homeless

You underwool the house, MAJIKKally bringing it back together from burnt and splintered embers. You marvel at the fact that in neither description was Miss Pinkamina ever mentioned. You wonder where she went.

Also, you are now back inside an ovary.

That's an explicit instruction from the developer, which is bad game design. undo anyway. (So, this is undoing what is undone.) [Only in old if engines!]

You undo the undo stack's stacking, causing it to become an undo acyclic directed graph. You have no idea what the implications of this will be. It is likely something the developers never intended to happen. (Nice going. We're all dead.)

Ignore below comment.

undo previous night

You consider undoing last night, but your recollection of it is too vague to alter.

Not enough memory; oh look, I made a pun.

(No, vagueness means something totally different in bedstuck. Lu means that it was too much dirty messy wet slippery fun.)

I would like to comment that "vaguegina" was a wonderful creation.

(Thank you~)


You have communed with the spirit of thunderwool, giving you the power of static MAJIKKtricity.

You are dimly aware of the spirit of tomfoolery, probably due to you, Loki, the player, being the god of it.

Equip barbells. Venture deeper into the caverns.

You equip the barbells. Your frustgruntlement gague has been halved. You can now achieve maximum frustgruntlement after only two annoyance events.

examine bubbles.

You do.

unexamine bubbles.

You do, causing all text above after "You do" to be hidden.

It should be dark. ponder light source.

You notice that you are glowing slightly, possibly due to the MAJIKKal effects hiding your filth.

It should be difficult to breathe. ponder oxygen source.

You have long-ago mastered the feat of run-on sentences, as taught by the master applebloom pony. You have little need for oxygen.

tap and push the room's walls and listen.

You massage the walls in a soft and rhythmic manner. You feel a massive clench, and your body is crushed slightly by the walls.

You hear a heartbeat. And a moan. And a stifled snort.

…yeah, this is still twilight sparkle pony.

commune with the Loki, the spirit of tomfoolery

You are not aware of the existence of Loki, other than as an annoying presence in your mind. Perhaps that idiot Loki should try something himself.

Cough on Twilight to give her an sti

You touch the walls, wondering why doing this did not spread your filth earlier. You watch as an ugly smear appears on the ovarian boundary, but then is quickly erased by some unknown force.

For i in bubbles:

>Burst bubble

You render twilight sparkle pony into a barren shell of marehood. She does not seem to mind.

swim to follow the heartbeat-like sound.

You swim toward the sound, but promptly knock your head against the wall. You fail to follow it, because you are inside an organ, not in the bloodstream, you snivveling dweeb.

attempt to slip between two capillary cells.

You discover that you are not that size. It turns out that egg cells are much, much larger than every other kind of cell.trufax

drop barbell

You unequip and drop the barbell. It floats uselessly in the ovarian void.

attempt to slip between two capillary cells.

You reuse the solution to the emerald puzzle that first appeared in advent. Your lack of inventorial bullshittery allows you to somehow enter the crevice much smaller than your own body. You are now in twilight sparkle pony's blood.

Leukocytes can slip through very easily. And isn't Scootaloo really flexible, as you say?

(Yes, she just didn't try hard enough before. Remember, semantic simulations are all about perception.)

discover a benign tumor.

You find A big ball of cells attached to the outside of twilight sparkle pony's lung. It looks a bit like a snowmare.

ask tumor a question.

You make horse noises at the tumor. It replies with cell noises. The audience is invigorated by this display of interspecies bonding.

Loki: Create path clones of Scootaloo, so that she can fulfill all command paths at the same time

Loki, although being the god of tomfoolery, cannot create a protagonist from thin air. You could ask the goddess of branches to make Scootaloo pony no longer the protagonist (as you have done several times in this playthrough) so that you could duplicate her, but then she would be a boring npc and you would not win when you managed to execute this plan.

It was a smashing good idea, though. I am beginning to curry favor to you, Loki.

tumor fills you with fear, you leave vagina to tend to the giant rarity situation [Though she's not quite…in that particular place anymore.]

You explode out of twilight's mouth like an alien. Somehow this does not cause harm to either of you.

defend yourself from leukocytes, complement and antibodies (?).

You see none of these things here. You also are still unaware of the meaning of defend, as you have not read the fifty-pound spider.

interact with neuroganglia or spinal cord.

You reach into twilight's head with as careful a display of thunderwooling the world has ever seen. You poke various things without being sure as to your exact goal. Twilight has a MAJIKKal seizure. Far in the distance, a whale and a flower pot rejoice.

decide whether to approach heart or brain.

You realize that the fifty-foot rarity's heart is probably the right size to be approached. However, you wonder what getting a heart filthy would do. Probably cause arterial plaque leading to a murmur.

Attempt to catch the giant rarity… in a net or something

You have no net. You, however, do have something. You catch the fifty-foot wild rarity in a sweetie belle.

sweetie belle shifts in discomfort.

Attempt to pee on the wild rarity to extinguish that imaginary fire she is apparently trying to put out by rolling around and wailing

Given her present vague location, sweetie belle giggles as you do this.

Dodge to the left

You try to dodge, but then notice that dodging seems a bit too close to defending for you to know how to do it.

Loki: Use combat specibus:wordplay on rarity's fifty feet

The wild rarity explodes in a shower of literal interpretation. sweetie belle will be coughing up feet for weeks. Which is strange, given that rarity doesn't even have feet.

Throw the hot pies into Rarity's face.

You open the pyrobox, releasing the charred remains of several dozen pizzas. You pick up the conflagration and huck it at rarity's remains.

twilight sparkle pony wanders over and consumes the entire sticky mess.

Look up fan-guides on bedstuck on to determine what the developers think you're supposed to do next and commit suicide for having ever thought of doing so.

You look for A guide to playing bedstuck. Sadly, this universe does not seem to be cleverly-reentrant enough for bedstuck to be a game that exists within your own sim-level.

You suggest that Loki do the same thing, even though you do not know who that is.

Also, you commit suicide in the most extravagant and failure-prone method you can imagine. The duck and the seven meters of fishing tackle summoned up to aide your attempt applaud your creativity.

Of course, it fails.

undo suicide

You undo the suicide of some guy you have never met.

in the distance, you can hear crying.

It seems to be A previous player who got fed up with the game.

Add a tired author to the mental model of the universe in your brain, and factor the author into all your future decisions.

You do so.

examine surroundings

You are standing in a half-destroyed, somewhat burnt-down library. There are feet everywhere. The floor is covered in burnt cheese. sweetie belle is rubbing her vague parts and wishing they didn't sting so much.

Get input from sweetie belle on what to do next. This scene has gotten stale for your cool tendancies.

You think that this is a good idea. Your horse noises trigger sweetie belle to motion you out the door. Do you follow her? (Y/N)

twilight sparkle pony: Cast resurrection on Spike for the fifth time this week, then lend Spike to Scootaloo for use as A meat shield and portable comic relief on her quest.

You cannot be twilight. She is too high. And you, too low.

However, you can be Spike. Even though he is dead and eaten by A spider. Because really he was already just as bad off before, and that didn't stop you.


You go outside, again.

You earn +8192 points for finally getting off your ass and getting the plot in gear.

"getting off your plot and getting the ass in gear."

Go and find applebloom at sweet apple acres so that the three of you might do some cutie mark crusading/threeway action

You go to the apple farm, which for some reason the author will never ever refer to as Sweet Apple Acres. You find applebloom wandering around uselessly.

examine your surroundings

You are at farm. There is a mailbox to your north, and one of those grain silo things that look like a windmill. Sitting on the ground is a freshly-picked buckload of apples.

offer to help apple bloom around the farm

applebloom pony says that she has bucked enough things for a while. She wants to go do something else, possibly involving the two of you.

Try to equip and then use any applebloom you encounter

You use applebloom. She likes being used.

+6 s-class relationship points.

Also, applebloom is now filthy, because, as you should recall, filth is A blatant metaphor for the spread of sexually-transmitted infection.

or not.

Attempt to commune with your chicken breathren at the farm

The author reminds you that communing is the effect of other verbs, not an action you can undertake yourself. You do it by putting things inside you, in whatever manner befits their nature.

Put a chicken inside of yourself, then

You eat a live chicken. sweetie belle and applebloom are both slightly unnerved at your gratuitous display of geekery.

You now know terrorMAJIKKX, but are only really sure how to apply them to yourself. You are suddenly grateful that you emptied your bladder earlier.

Open the mailbox, retrieve muffin-scented mail.

You locate the muffin-scented mail. It is sealed with the royal crest, and apparently addressed to Big Macintosh. I kind of forget what happened to him.

Try not to get locked in the apple cellar by Big Macintosh

I believe you ate him in the previous session. He will not be much of a threat.

eat an apple

You eat applebloom. You are beginning to wonder if all the apples will be eaten in this game.

applebloom knocks on your stomach lining quite vigorously, pointing out that you forgot to chew.

Get applejack to eat all of the apples

You convince applejack to consume her entire family, including, because of the strict rules of set theory, herself.

Because applebloom is currently inside of you, applejack eats you as well.

You are now in applejack.

You see an applebloom here.

You see an applejack here.


enter the apple cellar

You enter applejack's "cellar." It's just as filthy in there as you feel.

Is the apple cellar just applejack's intestines?

It is A bit lower.

trudge around, then realize you should probably head back up the… stairs

I did not tell you about stairs, bro.

it keeps happening

(It really does. We oughtta get out of this pony and get some shit done. …yes, every word of that was intended to cause literal commands.)

Get some shit done

You finish the shit, which looked to be quite undone previously. applejack is grateful for the bodily assistance. Loki is somewhat squicked.

Wonders if there is a cutie mark for this in Lu's future

She will get a cutie mark of a brass lantern for all this adventurey bullshit

Obtain item: "Out of this pony"

You take the string "Out of this pony". It contains 128 bits of negentropy.

good job on earning some finally jeez.

Consider putting the string back into the pony

You consider putting the string back into Applejack, but instead put it into your inventorial bullshittery mechanism, where it obviously belongs.

help verbs

exit applejack via the cellar, being sure to bring applebloom with you.

You get vagued out of applejack. As does applebloom. You decide to leave applejack within applejack, as she slowly begins to digest herself. The author personally finds this the scariest possible way to die.

Loki [meta]: Look up fan-guides on bedstuck on to determine what the developers think you're supposed to do next.

You do not have access to There is a content filtering proxy in the way, which is being a total bitch.

Use a free internext proxy to access GameFAQs.

You do so. It turns out that all the guides are about the first session, and you seem to have gone way off the rails from where you should probably be right about now. You shrug, and continue playing in your extremely haphazard way.

use computing device to access

(>Loki: Make that ^^ possible and disable proxy if needed)

You access that.

Loki: acquire a better attitude

You do so.

read the muffin-scented mail

another player has taken over while Loki is distracted by the chat.

You, the player, are now Odin.

scratch itchy eye socket

You attempt to scratch your eye, even though all ponies are told from the time they are babies to never try to do such clumsy things with A hoof. You never got those kind of parent-child bonding moments, okay?

Your eye is now filthy.

list magikkx

1. Thunderwool

2. Terrorbeans

go to nurse redheart to get something for filth.

You enter the temple of medicinal majjification. (They misspell MAJIKKX on purpose, because they have faith in proscriptive spelling.)

nurse redheart is nowhere to be found. You don't really know where else to look.

Lu: goals

1. stop being filthy. Celsdamn, you feel like you need all the showers.

2. earn your cutie mark, maybe. At least, go on some sort of quest for it.

3. find out what Miss Pinkamina is so busy with in the playroom, and get her to come out and spend quality time with you.

Loki: goals

1. Get all the achievements.

2. tomfoolery.

Odin: goals

1. find out where the heck you are

1. (Tied for first) Scratch itchy empty eye socket.

3. Get all the MAJIKKX.

author: goals

1. have Lu completely destroy the axiomatic model of the universe just through regular command usage.

Odin: Kill everyone with an axe, preferably while screaming your own name

You do not have an axe. Maybe you should look around.

use thunderwool on nearest tree

You make that nearest tree wish that it had never been planted.

Oh wait, that was fluttershy.


enter own brain and look at room

It is disgusting, vile, and filthy in here. It is also incredibly vague. But it has always been these things. It's your brain, after all.

touch and prod room walls and listen

You touch everything. One by one, you recall memories and scents and visceral pleasures in a way that totally isn't the way brains work.

In the distance, you hear thunderous clopping.

attempt to self-reflect in a metaphorically physical way à la psychonauts

You sit in a small chair that has somehow materialized in a metaphorical way upon your theatre of the mind. A large metal thingy sticks you in the neck, and you find that it allows you to pilot your own body like A homunculus. You aren't sure how this is any better than how things were before.

strain ears toward thunderous noise

Paying close attention, you realize that it is the sum of the memories of every time you have ever done anything vague coming in through a nearby access panel. The panel has a switch and two dials.

X panel

The panel is dull grey, with the written form of horse noises printed all along its top half. The switch is labelled with an iconographic representation of an eye. One dial is labelled with the english word "Gain". The other remains unlabelled.

Lu: use computing device to access

(>Odin and/or Loki: Make that ^^ possible using your godly might and/or tomfoolery.)

The author seems to have problems establishing a dual connection to piratepad in a way that ietherpad was perfectly comfortable with. Perhaps someone else can be Lu if they like.

This action fails for unknown reasons.

Lu: have existential crisis, then attempt to help win your own game.

You freak out due to your inability to draw an acyclic representation of your own current situation. You then attempt to help the player, but are saddened to realize that the communication channel is one-way.

Lu: ponder possible quest and objectives, and choose most interesting point of advancement to begin your epic journey towards best ending.

the author decides to introduce new problems to be solved. The below is merely one of them.

Gingerly flip switch on panel

You flip the switch.

You can't see!

twist the pair of dials all the way up to eleven

You twist the dials clockwise, assuming that eleven would be a marking of their furthest extent and then some. You find that the noise carrying throughout your mind has changed.


The switch has seemingly ceased to exist. You cannot feel it on the panel surface.

listen to panel

The noise is now a dull, intense hum. It gives you a headache, which probably will cause some sort of amusing literal effect on your surroundings.


You can't see!

…inside your head.

You see an apple farm. I believe that was where we last left off previously.

It is, however, slightly blurry. You are unsure whether this is a perceptual effect, or if something has gone horribly wrong with the universe.

Gingerly twist gain knob clockwise

The gain knob is already at its furthest clockwise extent, because that is what I assumed you meant by eleven.

Inner Lu: Gingerly twist gain knob counterclockwise

You twist the gain knob back A bit. The world comes into focus. The hum also decreases. You wonder what the point of that was.

Inner Lu: listen for thunderous noise

The thunderous noise is gone. Instead, you can hear songs of merriment and joviality.

Inner Lu: Gingerly twist unlabelled knob counterclockwise

You twist the other knob around, and hope that something interesting will occur. The sound seems to change like A radio, though everything you hear is intensely familiar.

You still can't see.

Inner Lu: again

You twist the knob like it owes you money. Eventually, you find a "station" that is broadcasting some sort of conversation that you feel you should listen in on. You stop twisting.

listen in on

"Dragons? Why Dragons?"

"Because the world does not have enough Dragons. They have been depleted!"

"But that's no reason to… really, this is madness."

"Stop capitalizing words. This isn't narrative."

"But you just did it twice."

"… Anyway. Once you have completed the preparations… oops. The preparations, release the …thing. I'm not going to say its name, in case there is someone who feels that they should listen in on this. …oops again."

"You're quite paranoid for a not-so-mad scientist."


You found that conversation extremely dumb. However, since it was a cutscene, you have just earned yourself +67 points.

Also, your frustgruntlement is maxxed, if you want to fire it off any time soon.

Inner Lu: check for more stations

You turn the knob, but it seems that the device has outlived its usefulness and become an obsolete device.

take out your frustgruntlement on your pituitary gland

You strike your pituitary gland with all your filly might. Your heart grows three sizes that day. And then explodes, killing you.



Your heart un-explodes. You are alive.

Inner Lu: listen

The station is now stuck on the sound coming from the audial sensory organs of the outer Lu, which seems like a much more reasonable function for the device. Perhaps it is not as obsolete as first examination might reveal.

Inner Lu: turn gain dial one more time

You turn the gain dial counterclockwise, since turning it clockwise resulted in a lot of useless stuff happening.

Meanwhile, you somehow also experience the sensation of being the outer Lu, and having your majjikweak interactions forcefully broken down. It is oddly painless, but you have a feeling that turning the knob further might destroy the universe. You are ambivalent about this option.

Inner Lu: think about dragons and mad scientists

It strikes you that this is a fairly accurate description of twilight sparkle pony and Spike.

You're pretty sure it's not them, though.

Inner Lu: attempt to match voices from conversation with princess Celestia and Luna

They are not those voices. They actually are the voices of twilight sparkle pony and Spike, but like you said, they aren't acting like them enough for it to be the ones you know. For one thing, that Spike didn't sound all that pathetic.

I finally caught up! :D(yay!)

Inner Lu: turn gain dial once more

You turn the gain dial all the way to the left. The universal majjikweak force ceases to exist. majtomic nuclei fly apart at the speed of light. You think this is all rather beautiful, in a strictly aesthetic sense. Miss Pinkamina, her mind suddenly available due to the re-merging of all material throughout the universe, agrees.

Odin has unlocked achievement "foom."



You, Odin, undo. You retain the achievement, however.

Flip switch back to its origianal position [It's gone, somehow now.](oh right)

You flip the nonexistent switch.

Suddenly, you can see!

That was some pretty intense tomfoolery.

You wonder who was responsible for that. Maybe the god of tomfoolery is getting bored while Odin is playing the game?

Odin: scratch itchy empty eye socket.

You cannot do this, as your arms are much too heavy and manly to lift off your keyboard.

Odin: command one of your crows to scratch your eye socket.

You do so. The crow is consumed into the abyss that is your eye of eternal night.

Inner Lu: Gingerly adjust both knobs in a way that seems optimally harmonious

You luck out and solve the puzzle without the players having to do much more than sit around and hee-haw to themselves like insipid donkeys.

It turns out that with the gain turned down, adjusting the unlabelled knob affects your surroundings in a way resembling dimensional sliding. You are unsure why that is something your mind is capable of.

(the players know that it is because protagonists have access to all features of the simulation as long as they are aware of them, and believe themselves to be capable of affecting them.)

That occurs to me to be a Big Security Hole in its design; Bruce Schneier would have an aneurysm if that actually happened.

(The protagonist only has access to userland features; the maintainers have access to kernel configuration hooks; and it takes both working together to do something like a reboot.)


search your brain to see if you might find some clues about earning your cutie mark [excellent idea]

You search. Your brain, however, does not seem to be a library so much as a bunch of wires and doo-dads. You wish the metaphor could be extended A slight bit.

rearange the wires until you feel horny

You do something resembling A well-known[-to-4chan] manga. ( )

As you thrash about in the throes of ecstasy, you destroy your brain in a positive feedback loop of squishy existentialism. It is perhaps arousing to certain subgroups.


yes, but still become horny

You reset your brain back to A resonable facsimile of health. It is still, however, very dirty.

Your frustgruntlement is back at maximum.

Loki: become bored with stone prison and so escape

You are now the avatar of chaos. You are pinkie pie.

wonder what sweetie belle pony and apple bloom pony are doing, while you stand there glassy-eyed and slack-jawed, bullshitting around in your own mind.

You are now outer Lu. You look at sweetie belle pony and apple bloom pony. They are mud-wrestling.

Loki has already earned that achievement.

Odin starts to suffer from epistaxis.

Odin bleeds from his mighty nose, and showers beautiful rubies upon the earth. Somewhere in the mountains of colorado, a tree leans over in appreciation.

Have a threesome with sweetie belle and applebloom becasue all the finangling going on in your head is making you hornier than usual

You do so. It goes without any description whatsoever, because it has been done so many times already.

You found item chafing.

examine chafing

chafing is an object of heavy stone, created by ritual overvagueness. It resembles a weary feline curled around a reddened rooster. It seems quite worthy of use as a bludgeon.

Meta-player: offer one megabyte image (8192000 bits) and one desperate plea ("Everyone wants to leave the theatre happy and not empty! Everyone—especially the critics") to the author as an offering asking for guidance toward a thematically fulfilling outcome, this early morning.

I suggest that you ought to use dimensional travel to find alternate twilight sparkle pony and alternate Spike before they can unleash the thing. You may want help from pinkie pie or miss pinkamina, depending on whether you are playing the red or blue version of the game.

Loki/pinkie pie: become cupcakes pinkie pie (who is totally different from miss pinkamina)

Pinkie Pie does not accept commands.

Loki/pinkie pie: do not accept commands

Pinkie Pie also does not accept paradoxes. She finds them slightly smelling of fish.

Loki/pinkie pie: If you reject this command/paradox, you have accepted it

Pinkie Pie says "lalalala I can't hear you", and then boxes your ears. [That actually really hurts.]

She knows this. Bugs Bunny is a terrible role model. [Sure hope she hasn't watched "Duck Amuck" yet, then. She'd be a terrible Master of Reality too.]


Loki/pinkie pie: perform an act of violence or ignore me

Pinkie Pie, instead, takes A potato chipand eats it.

Loki/pinkie pie: exist

Pinkie Pie, instead… whoops

Loki has left the game.

Loki: re-enter game as cupcakes pinkie

Loki does not like cupcakes pinkie. her violence is too predictable and logical.

Instead, Loki re-enters the game as princess lauren faust pony.

Loki: Read journal of the cupcake killer to reform your opinion of cupcakes pinkie

Loki says he is too lazy for that.

but the original Loki wrote the dang thing

He knows this. He is trolling you hard.

but then Loki wouldn't have the opinion of cupcakes pinkie being entirely predictable and logical

He has observed cupcakes pinkie in a chatroom on the Ponynet.

she was being lazy. also, the origianal Loki was in control of her at that time. he is lazy

Okay, Loki joins the game as cupcakes pinkieas well.

But he still puts princess lauren faust pony down for player 1.

Loki player 1: be disgusted by the pony fandom.

Lauren Faust says "Ew gay."

the pony fandom is shocked by her uncaring usage of lgbt terminology, and likens her to orson scott card in A complete overreaction.

This hurts her feelings so bad you don't even know.

My cousins totally know orson scott card, and interacted with him often. Also, lol.

With gain turned down, gingerly turn unlabelled knob to the most narrative-convenient location

You do so.

Suddenly, you are in… the same place you were just A moment ago!

But everything is different in little ways, of course.

stop being lazy and describe "everything" by: look

There are no longer a buckton of apples on the ground. Instead, there are alters of sweetie belle and applebloom, quietly having a tea party, dressed in little froo-froo dresses. You realize that this is one of those stories where the protagonist never meets themselves, which is disappointing, because you were still pretty horny.

You still seem to have your chafing, because the inventorious bullshittery device is just so much tomfoolery.

Tsutsu: scream at managing at least three threads of thought while maintaining a story's plot and grammar in the wee hours of the dawn

waaaaaaaaagh! /ork

Lu: greet the alters of sweetie belle and applebloom

You greet sweaty bell and orangebum, as you call them. They find your lack of A frilly froo-froo dress most disquieting.

player Ace2401: resume trolling the game

He does so. It is hilarious.

Loki player 2/cupcakes pinke: introduce yourself to Loki player 1/lauren faust pony. describe your favorite activity (i.e. torture, murder, and cannibalism.)

You disgust lauren faust, but her professionalism is always maximum. She does not react.

What about when lauren faust pony did react?

lauren faust pony was making a joke, that was not well-received. She shrugs. "Sometimes it happens," she neighs.

Lu: check if the alters' bodies are flat like poorly made pillows.

They are not. However, they seem to be fatter and rounder than the average pony, to the point that only the shapes of their frilly froo-froo garments are preventing their appearance from being almost entirely spherical.

Lu: ask the alters the kind of typical and yet topical npc questions that a human would find in a typical dialogue tree in a 21th century earth rpg.

You try to find somepony with an exclaimation point over their head so you can get this show on the road. It works middlingly well; orangebum, who had an interrobang over her head, tells you in startled tones that you must be the chosen one out to save the world from the impending thing.

It's all very corny.

Lu: examine chafing and ponder its function, which it must have thanks to conservation of detail.

The chafing is an idol for some cruel alien god. You wonder if is somehow MAJIKKal.

Lu: Ask for more context about the impending thing, but attempt to keep conversation relevant to the macro-level plot.

orangebum informs you that nopony in the first few towns ever knows much about the impending thing. You should probably go through the wilderness to reach the place with way better equipment and shops, where they deal with impending things all the time.

Lu: ask for information on the wilderness

orangebum points over to the everfree forest, which is obviously what she was referring to. She shivers slightly as she remembers her interaction with the chubblanks.

Lu: journey through as a noble savage while describing the bucolic everfree forest with effusive 19th-century romanticism-style imagery

You wonder whether you should take other party members along. orangebum and sweaty bell seem less-than-effective. (Y/N)


You take orangebum and sweaty bell. They are added to your inventory in a masterstroke of tomfoolery. You're really getting good at this.

You venture forth into the forest. It turns out to be too dark to see much at all, and so the only description for most of the journey is that the ground is quite rough and that sweaty bell lives up to her name.

You arrive at the port city of los ungulates. You wonder where they keep getting these pun names from.

recall the greater goal in order to avoid getting swept up in local politics and intrigue and side-quests for the next five years.

You skip, like, seven chapters of the name of the wind by patrick rothfuss. it turns out that you missed nothing.

You find a helpful tavern-wench, who directs you back to ponyville in a display of stupid game design the likes of which have not been seen since final fantasy 1.

You arrive at the library, which you probably should have just gone to straight off.

cupcakes pinkie: find and confer with miss pinkamina. resist the temptation to kill her and eat her.

You resist for A while. By the time your powerful id takes absolute control of you, Miss Pinkamina has already tied you up.

cupcakes pinkie: realize that it is the day after nightmare night


tsutsu: realize that player Ace2401's usage of tomfoolery just created/dscovered what has miss pinkamina so worked up.


X library

The library in this dimension seems to be a standard evil lair, replete with A basement full of useless chemistry equipment that itself contains flasks full of food coloring, and also a few tesla coils for atmosphere. The doors are dark and forebOding, but that's probably just because twilight sparkle pony never dusts.

Even vacuum tubes‽


sniff the air

The air smells of ozone from the movement of mechanical relay switches, which are also probably for atmosphere as things like hooftops have long existed. It has no scent of vagueness or really good shit, which is surprising and a bit unsettling.

listen for enemies

You hear a clatter of hoofbeats coming from behind you, but know that it is merely orangebum and sweaty bell making a deleterious commotion in their new doubleshoes. There are no traces of henchmen, which is disappointing, because you wanted to use chafing as a bludgeon.

get ready to use chafing as a bludgeon

You get chafing ready anyway. You like the heft of it. You take a test swing in sweaty bell's direction, causing her to indent like some sort of rubber duck. She takes no damage.

If this is the same kind of thing that this reality's twilight sparkle pony is made from, you might have something to worry about after all.

be confused. then have sex with sweaty belle and orangebum

You are now player: confused guy. (Sorry)

Don't steal my line dangit


You cannot reach the delicious foaliage from this vantage.

Lu: have sex with sweaty belle and orangebum to rub it in confused guy's face

Oh, okay.

You press their oddly-round bodies together and insert your vagueness between them. Much squeaking can be heard. It's just sort of weird, and not really that pleasant at all.

enjoy it anyway because you are that filthy-minded

You revel in your filth. Which reminds me: sweaty bell and orangebum are now filthy. The chafing, however, is immune.

tsutsu: describe you frustgruntlement at the players (namely ace2401) for just commanding sex scenes and derailing the plot all the time.

My frustgruntlement is not just always maximum. It's…

Tsutsu: deus ex machina [type: plot advance]

You are now inside the library. Wasn't that hard, right?

Inner Lu: down

You are now inside your own neck.

examine medulla oblongata

You examine it. Since you are not sure which part of the body that is, you just gander about in bemused silence. It occurs to you that, if you sat back in your mind chair right now, you could have a totally awesome climactic fight as if you were some sort of giant robot pilot piloting yourself.

Then you realize how inane that idea is.

While you are waltzing around your own insides, a fifty-pound spider has found its way onto your face.

down more

You enter your own stomach, breaking a ton of rules about what parts of the body you can visit from your brain. Hey, it's not like you aren't almost a god of tomfoolery yourself by now.

tsutsu: perform a significantly hurtful action to ace2401 to empty your frustgruntlement and return it to minimum.

Ace2401: nah. I don't feel like it.

down more

You poop yourself out. What a wild, strange trip it's been.

You are now a tiny Lu in the library, standing beside the front-left hoof of a regular-sized Lu.

Both Lus: make eye contact

From your perspective as tiny Lu, regular-sized Lu looks incredibly embarrassed, and slightly worried, because she did not previously think that she was as incontinent as sweaty bell. She also looks to have a fifty-pound spider on her face.

From your perspective as regular-sized Lu, you—ahhhhhghghgh spider

Regular Lu: Use sweaty belle or orangewhatever to destroy or remove spider by any means

You, regular Lu, are incapacitated by your self-application of terrorMAJIKKX. However, you are completely safe as long as your terror remains at maximum.

Tiny Lu: enter the chafing

You run up your more brobdignagian self's leg until you reach the chafing, tucked somewhere indeterminable (but not at all vague) inside the inventorious bullshittery device. You enter it.

You are now inside the spider. …wait, what?

wait what

You wait for the larger Lu to echo your cry of equine confusion. It turns out to take precisely two-point-seven seconds.

player ace2401: use tomfoolery to postulate where the inventorious bullshittery device device is. roll a six-sided die to test your hypothesis

You make A number of postulations, then pick one at random. It turns out to be entirely incorrect.

The prior was way too low

player ace2401: guess that the inventorious bullshittery device is in the ear.

That was pretty much what you guessed the first time. It is no more correct now that it is explicit.

I was following your directions above, so that was meant to be the first time. meta tomfoolery ftw XD


Tiny Lu: selfxspider

That's my job!

From inside the spider, you cannot access its vagueness. You should swing around back.

Tiny Lu: X self/spider

You have no sense of being physically inside the spider. Instead, you have merely taken complete mental control of it. Everything is bigger and… seven. It seems that the spider is missing one eye.

i c wut u did thar

ll: Retrieve arms from inventorious bullshittery device

Due to the tomfoolery of the inventorious bullshittery device, You manage to grow two orange-coated pony arms from your arachnid frame. It is messed up.

grow pony head from inventorious bullshittery device

You grow A head out of the spider. However, this separates your semantic construct from the spider's tracked mental context. The spider curls in on itself and eats your head.

You've met with a terrible fate, haven't you?

i c wut u did thar 2


You are no longer two-headed. You are merely one pony occupying three distinct bodies. This does not seem all that much better.

grow pegasus wings from inventorious bullshittery device

You do so. You are now a flying spider. Millions of people from Reddit burn down their houses.

Big Lu: pick up spider

Big Lu is still frozen in terror.

Tiny Lu: stop raping big Lu's face (and try not to get squished by big Lu)

You push off of your doppel and fall to the ground, scurrying under a shelf as you (the other you) unfreezes and begins to release her built-up frustgruntlement.

Big Lu: use chafing as a bludgeon to kill the flying spider to death. continue to bludgeon the flying spider just to make sure it's dead.

You cannot access the chafing, because you (the other you) are currently inside of it. This is the first time that the inventorious bullshittery device has lived up to its name.

use hooves to stomp it to death and then some instead

You perform A riverdance of death. But, instead of squishing the massive spider, you merely squish sweaty bell, who wrings out like a moistened sponge in reaction.

Tiny Lu: attempt to communicate with big Lu

You already are, though both of you have been ignoring the 2.7-second-delayed psychic echo due to having separate goals.

Meta-player: check game progress

You, Odin, are currently sucking hard, and failing to do anything about the impending thing. You also seem to have forgotten that the fifty-pound spider is a perceptual smear, and actually possesses most of the properties of a book called "How to defend."

player ace2401: check game trolling level

You, Player: Ace2401, currently have 63 TrollPoints that can be redeemed at the nearest TrollMart or Canadian Tire.

player ace2401: buy a diablo ex machina (subject: everything) from you local TrollMart.

You do not have a local TrollMart!

You do, however, have a Canadian Tire.

player ace2401: buy a diablo ex machina (subject: everything) from a your local Canadia tire.

Canadian Tire does not sell diablo ex machina. Instead, it sells Daeboulou Eh Machina. You buy one of those.

Does a Daeboulou Eh Machina have the same effects as a diablo ex machina?

no. But you should still have fun with it.

Big Lu: calm down and pick up all and look for twilight to ask about the impending thing to somehow better deal with the conversation you heard in your brain.

You pick up Tiny Lu.

You pick up The fifty-pound spider.

You pick up yourself.

You were already carrying sweaty bell and orangebum, so you drop them, just to have an opportunity to pick them up again.

You make a mental note to pick up some chicken on the way home.

twilight sparkle pony's voice can be heard from downstairs, which you were probably trying to get to A while ago.

follow twilight to ask about the impending thing to somehow in the end better deal with the conversation you heard in your brain which is hopefully the end goal.

You go downstairs to the cliche-of-evil laboratory.

Also, it is.


The laboratory is full of irrelevant science junk, that you nonetheless know the names for, having worked so long with Miss Pinkamina. Most of it seems to be hooked up wrong.

player ace2401: claim the Daeboulou Eh Machina is defictive and return it for a full refund. Then move somewhere with a local trollmart and buy a diablo ex machina (subject: everything).

done and done. Also, you now live in trolltopia. You are likely to be trollested by trollestia.


where the heck is twilight sparkle pony; she's not in the description

oh yeah, right

Suddenly, twilight sparkle pony is in the description above, along with Spike.

talk to twilight sparkle pony about the impending thing and the conversation you had in your brain

You do. She says that she knew somepony would be listening in to her evil plotting. She also says that you cannot stop the impending thing, because she has the big red button sitting right there beside her.

wait [i.e. let twilight sparkle pony continue her stupid villain monologue]

twilight sparkle pony has used the trappings of cliched villainy to fool you. She cuts herself off and presses the button immediately.

You notice that Spike was in a cage on the table the entire time. You guess he was kind of irrelevant and boring before this moment. twilight sparkle pony watches him intently.

Nothing happens.

twilight sparkle pony stamps her feet. (the ones she picked off of the wild rarity.)

Nothing happens.

suddenly, you feel A rumbling sensation from the inventorious bullshittery device. sweaty bell and orangebum pop out!

The ponies are now dragons.

player ace2401: use diablo ex machina (subject: everything) to drop A tactical nuke which blows Scootaloo into an alternate universe where everything is trying to kill her, while not killing her in the process of doing that. Then get trollested by trollestia.

Eventually, this happens. First, though, the entire rest of the game happens. Don't worry, it will be over soon.

Lu: kill all of the dragons by using thuderwool after scooting long enough to fill your MAJIKKtricy to maximum.



You try to power your MAJIKKtricity, but it seems that the inventorious bullshittery continues to ruin your cool ideas. Maybe it's time you dealt with that.

destroy the inventorious bullshittery device

You break your device into itty bitty pieces of pure and utter bullshit. Tiny Lu is free~

The fifty-pound spider, scarred from its strange experience, vows never to hump faces again.

now kill all of the dragons by using thuderwool after scooting long enough to fill your MAJIKKtricy to maximum.

Your coat and mane remain flat against you. You still can't seem to get it up.

X self

You are not yet a dragon, if you were wondering. You seem to be protected by the power of dimensional travel, or similar tomfoolery.


You call for help once again. Tiny Lu waves her arms to get your attention.

notice tiny Lu and ask her how to get it up

Your horse noises cause tiny Lu to pick up A shard of pure and utter bullshit, and run toward your bottom. You have a feeling this will be uncomfortable.

let tiny Lu do her thing anyway

You suddenly have strong memories of last night. Tiny Lu, and the shard, are now inside you.

You have communed with tomfoolery!

use tomfoolery powers to do something… tomfoolery.

You find a pony named tom, and proceed to fool him. It's pretty boring, really.

Also, you produce a giant green button from thin air! You can probably guess what it does.

press the giant green button

You cannot reach the giant green button. It is on the ceiling, in the reverse of the position of the giant red button.

use pegasus wings to fly

You don't have the clearance to do your regular running jump into the air. So instead you just hover uselessly.

The author reminds you of the square-cube law.

X twilight sparkle pony(?)

twilight sparkle dragon is just sitting there being boring and evil.

X room around green button

The room is vertically mirrored, such that everything that exists on the floor also exists on the ceiling. The cage on the ceiling, however, is empty. You and twilight aren't up there either.

indicate mirror and make bad reference to twilight being A vampire

Not a chance.

player ace2401: ignore the above and continue pretending that the twilight books never existed.

You do so. twilight sparkle dragon, however, seems incapable of pretending any longer. It is probably what set her on this path to unseemly and unenjoyable behavior.

X red button

You look at the red button. It has been pressed, and has not restored to its original, pressable position. It's probably not going to be doing anything else but being shiny.

X caged Spike

Spike is, and always was, a dragon. You wonder what twilight sparkle pony was expecting to observe.

shout "You'll never win!" to twilight sparkle dragon

You do this. It seems extremely fitting for the situation, but twilight sparkle dragon is annoyed that you have embraced her cliched facade with real enthusiasm. It's like you're some sort of poseur, geez.

Tiny Lu: get a running start and jump.

You get into the air quite easily, and reach the button on the ceiling. However, you turn out to be too tiny to impart the force necessary to press the button. You fling yourself at it repeatedly, but it does not work. Your patheticness rises.

Tiny Lu: enter green button

You see no entrance on the green button, unlike the ones on yourself, the device, or the spider. It's too bad, really, because that was pretty clever.

(Grow(Tiny Lu(Press(giant green button))))

The author is extremely grateful that someone remembered that seguellogyms existed, because he thinks they're rather neat.

Even so, tiny Lu can't just grow as an action. seguellogysms don't make the impossible possible, they just break causality into pieces.

Meta-meta-player: turn on cutscene mode.

Twilight stares down the Tiny Lu. "What are you doing up there, foul insect? Have at thee!"

She swats into the air, but Tiny Lu is too high to reach.

Loki: insert a deus ex machina for the finale that fulfills conservation of detail by involving characters introduced much earlier.

Suddenly, a rather rotund and dragonized Miss Pinkamina appears in the doorway! She proceeds to eat Spike. Then, being cold-blooded, her metabolism forces her to fall asleep while digesting.

Odin: return game to obsolete video rental store in disgust and write an angry fan review on the internet.

Odin purchased the game on steam as part of a flash sale. He thoroughly regrets this.

Lu: throw tiny Lu at giant green button

You wind up and chuck the tiny guided missile that is yourself at the button. It depresses with a satisfying chork.

Wait, a chork?

Oh. Tiny Lu is dead. That's okay, though, I guess. You weren't being her at the moment, so you don't lose the game.

undo anyway

Tiny Lu is alive. The button is no longer splattered with blood.

(Strength(Tiny Lu(Press(giant green button))))

strength is only a verb in pokemon, pipsqueak. Not even in that.Oh you cheated :P

X the darn button

The [darn] giant green button is still depressed. oops, I guess I left that out of the undo description. what tomfoolery!

Everyone is suddenly not dragons anymore. Or spiders, or blobponies, either.

You wonder how to get home.

confront twilight sparkle pony

You stare down the alternate twilight. She cowers, and makes a pitiable face with her eyebrows raised together and her lip bitten slightly. It is enviously adorable.

Odin: experience A recurrence of epistaxis

Odin reaffirms the ancient anime trope. He overdoes it, as he is wont to do, and bleeds out.

Loki resumes control.

leave the library and walk home

You go back to the alternate version of your house. The alternate Miss Pinkamina rapes you, to death.

You never bothered to solve that part :P

oops. undo that. Except maybe undo this undo to use tomfoolery to get back to your home universe.

You attempt to use tomfoolery, but you seem to have absorbed the shard of pure and utter bullshit that powered it. You'll probably need some more.

go back to the aforementioned shards and pick up another one.

You retrieve a shard and swallow it. It rips your insides to shreds. oops.

You'll probably want to get some help, like you had last time. Sadly, tiny Lu has somehow reintegrated with you, in an annoying cutscene-forced manner.

undo to just before tiny Lu reintegrates and then use sequence breaking to skip that particular cutscene

You do so. All of the details are elided. You now have a tiny Lu.

Also, the axiomatic model of the universe falls to pieces, but not through regular command usage, so you don't get that achievement again or anything.

Learn defense from book and/or spider

You take the fifty-pound spider and flip through its pages. You now understand how to take the pussy way out, something you never before knew.

Tiny Lu: be in your head.


Tiny Lu: punch and stroke the walls to relieve the horrible numbness in your soul.

You release your built-up patheticness and frustgruntlement in a sexy/nihilistic combo. The walls get stained with vagueness, which manages to travel through time and taint your previous thoughts. You have ensured your continued perversion (and existence.)

Stay interesting, Scootaloo. Here's looking at you, kid.

Tiny Lu: examine and listen to control panel in your head.

You see the panel. It looks much the same as before, but now the switch has been replaced by a giant blue button. It sounds like twilight whimpering and quivering. Her pathos is at maximum.

Tiny Lu: turn dials to get back to home universe.

You go the frig home. Or, rather, to the library that exists near your home.

Meta-meta-meta-player: complain about extra-long denoument

You do so. The Meta-meta-meta-meta-player tells you to shut up.

Meta-meta-meta-meta-player: review lists of goals

Lu: goals

1. stop being filthy. (nope)

2. earn your cutie mark, maybe. (nope)

3. find out what Miss Pinkamina is so busy with in the playroom, and get her to come out and spend quality time with you. (maybe, on a meta level)

Loki: goals

1. Get all the achievements. (yes, soon)

2. tomfoolery. (done!)

Odin: goals

1. find out where the heck you are (nope)

1. (Tied for first) Scratch itchy empty eye socket. (yes, soon)

3. Get all the MAJIKKX. (yes!)

player ace2401: goals

I don't know. why don't you tell me. guess

1. To be the cupcakes pinkie.(A little bit)

2. trolololololol(for dang sure)

3. to extend the game for as long as possible with diversions(middling to good)

author: goals

1. have Lu completely destroy the axiomatic model of the universe just through regular command usage. (yes)

Tiny Lu: press blue button on control panel.

You press the button. Suddenly, you are in your room, in your house, back in shackles. Everything is as it was many hours ago. Except for you, who now knows the secrets of MAJIKK.

Meta^(first infinite ordinal)-player: complain about lack of sleep not fair

You agree with this sentiment, as you find yourself dozing off as well.

stab self with pointed chain

absorb bullshit

destroy chains with tomfoolery

You suck the pure and utter bullshit out of those chains that were able to hold the most flexible pony in equestria in bed. You use them to power a massive wave of tomfoolery, which destroys them outright, while still leaving quite a bit left over.

scoot on carpet to build emmmmmm peeeees

enter bathroom

use axe to cleanly open bottle of axe

take open bottle

move to bedroom

pour axe (liquid) on self

become terrified

spark self

You engulf yourself in hellfire from the chemical flames. Everything on your body, and the room around you, is cleansed, including the virulent filth. You, however, are rendered perfectly safe by your terror. Your room is rendered safe because it is a room, and in this badly-modeled interactive fiction you cannot destroy one of those.

You are now clean.

+500 points.

Odin: While dying of exsanguination, do an about face and arrogantly mutter a complaint that the answer is now being given on a platter

You do so. Loki gives you a pimpslap because you are interrupting his game.


You enter the shower, and turn on the water.

Oh dear, whatever will happen?

Miss Pinkamina enters the bathroom with her game face on. She sees your supple foal body, your powerful axe-wielding arms, your strong smell of burnt flesh… and she just can't help herself. She jumps on you.


You know how to deal with this sort of thing. You curl up into A ball and whimper like a demure lass that you're not ready for her affections. Miss Pinkamina is overcome with your display of Möe, and slumps to the floor.

ask pinkamina about what she was doing in the playroom

Pinkamina explains that, somehow, a rift in time had deposited an alternate, and therefore eminently disposable, twilight sparkle pony into the playroom. The best part? Her pathos was maximum. She wants to savor this one.

You have solved the mystery. ten points to gryffindor.

turn off the water

You turn off the water. That is important.

ask pinkamina to come to your room

You and Miss Pinkamina enter your room, which is quite tidy, on account of having nothing in it whatsoever. Miss Pinkamina pays this no mind.

ask pinkamina what she was going to tell you before

You ask. Miss Pinkamina stifles a cough, then says that she knows what you did last night. You spill the beans [and confess to the hot vaugeness you had with rainbow dash last night] immediately, but then follow it up with the story of all the stupid shit you did just to hide this fact from her.

She flushes deeply, and gives you a kiss. "You did all that? All that complex plotting and stupid roundabout bullshit, just to clean your room?"

"I've…" she says, petting your hair, "I've never been so proud!"

A butterfly flaps its wings.

(+infinity minus one points.)

Loki: attempt to scratch Odin's itchy eye socket for him one last time.

You scratch Odin's itch eye socket. His last dying breath is of gratitude.

You have earned the achievement "this is silly"

You have earned the last achievement.

Loki: get all the achievements

You just did. Wooooow.

Lu: Eat a carrot

You eat a carrot. Wow those things are tasty!

+ the last lousy point.

you win!

player ace2401: use diablo ex machina (subject: everything) to drop A tactical nuke which blows Scootaloo into an alternate universe where everything is trying to kill her, while not killing her in the process of doing that. Then get trollested by trollestia.

ha, that's fucking hilarious.^

You are now in the dimension of incompetent buffoonery. However, the author is too tired to describe the events that transpire once you are there. Suffice it to say, rocks fall and nobody dies.

And the troll is that it was really molestia all along. Oh yeaaaah~